Non-Sporting Events Where You Should Tailgate


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Tailgating is one of man’s greatest inventions. You get drunk during the day and eat cheeseburgers, and you don’t feel guilty about it because there are hundreds of other people around you doing the same thing. So is there anything wrong with tailgating? Yes. For some reason it’s limited to sports. However, it’s hard to think of an event that tailgating would not improve.

Birth Of A Child

The birth of a child is one of the most beautiful and important moments of someone’s life, so why spend your time pacing around a stuffy hospital waiting room where you can’t even smoke a cigar? Instead, the father-to-be should spend that time in the parking lot with his friends, drinking cold ones and smoking a brisket. It’s the perfect scenario for tailgating. Hospitals have huge parking lots; childbirth takes a very long time and allows for plenty of boozing; and you’re not going to have much time to hang with friends once the baby is born. The best part though is the finale. Once the child is born, the doctor throws open the window and presents the baby for all to see while shouting its weight, sex and time of birth. Then the champagne is opened and the Kobe beef is put on the grill.

Eclipses

People just aren’t interested in outer space these days. We’ve canceled manned space missions and the most talked about part of the Mars Curiosity rover was the debut of a will.i.am song. Tailgating in honor of a lunar or solar eclipse would help to restore a sense of awe and wonder about our universe among the general public. During a solar eclipse, everyone can show up looking cool in their eclipse sunglasses and give thanks to the sun for giving us all life. For the lunar eclipse, let’s all go to the beach, make a bonfire and think what the world would be like without tides or cool surfing videos.

Election Day

It’s amazing there isn’t tailgating on election day already. Republicans and Democrats have a bigger rivalry than the Yankees and Red Sox. Also, the conventions and debates are basically excuses for the candidates to insult each other like a couple wrestlers cutting promos. More people might vote if the act of voting was jazzed up a little. Have volunteers at every polling place hand out wristbands to a keg that you only get after you vote. The kegs will be funded by the taxpayers; so if you don’t vote, you’re basically just paying for other people to drink your beer.

Jury Duty

If you’ve ever been called for jury duty you know that most of your time is spent waiting around for your name to be called as you watch a video about the history of jury duty that’s narrated by a washed up TV star. Well, it would be more fun if you could get drunk and eat. People wouldn’t try to ditch it anymore.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a New York comic who wears glasses due to horrible genes and for no other reason.