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We're pretty sure that no one in the history of tailgating has been able to pull off the tofu burger and live to tell the tale. If your girl tries to convince you it's OK, just remember you can't spell tofu without F U, which is exactly what fellow tailgaters will say when you open the package.
Once again, leafy greens and vinaigrettes are best enjoyed in the privacy of your own home. We know you wanna be healthy, but unless you're at a Dave Matthews Band concert with the girls of some whiny sorority there is no need. Bringing a salad to a tailgate party is like bringing a knife to a gun fight…you will lose.
Nobody cares about your debt or your breakup or your horrible mishap with a table saw that left you with one nut and a whole lot of explaining to do in the bedroom. Save your issues for your therapist and quit bringin' down the party.
You some sort of freeloading jerk? Maybe this isn't the Royal Celebration at the Waldorf-Astoria, but it's still a party, so bring something! The only exception to this rule is if you've volunteered to be Grillmaster and even then, you should contribute to the cooler with your favorite six-pack.
Tailgating ain't about dessert unless you count chocolate-covered bacon. Imagine the reaction you'll get when you show up and blurt this out: "Guys! I brought cupcakes!" If you wanna be known as Captain Cupcake the rest of your life, then feel free to supply the sweets.
This is a tricky one 'cuz it's booze, but it's wine. What to do? If there are girls and you wanna come off a little impressive, then go for it. Also, if you root for a California team and are not too far from Wine Country, go for it. BUT…if you're with a buncha jersey-wearing brutes in a state known for pouring gravy over everything, then kindly back away from the Chardonnay, fellas.
The guy who doesn't like sports
It's one thing to bring along a friend who doesn't follow sports, but it's an entirely different thing to bring that dickhead who won't shut up about how lame sports are. If a typical reaction to a game is a sarcastic, "Yay, sports.", then leave that guy at the comic book store where you found him.
Your band's demo/DJ mixtape
Don't be the weird guy who forces his amateur talent on everyone in the parking lot. It's not fair to your friends, it's not fair to strangers and it's not fair to music in general. Know your boundaries and break out the tunes at the next house party. At your own risk, of course.
It might be tough, but if you convince your chick that this is a male bonding sorta thing, then she'll understand. Of course, if your girl is into sports and tailgating and has volunteered to handle some of the work, then by all means, bring her to the game…then to the jewelry store…then to the chapel…then on your honeymoon.
+ For more on Tailgating, watch "Guy Code" tomorrow night at 11/10c on MTV2