Guy Code Horoscopes: Predicting Sept 7 – 13

You can find comfort in having a plan, and you can make that plan using common sense and acquired knowledge you’ve learned throughout your life, or you can use astrology. I prefer astrology, it helps me to place the blame for my bad decisions on factors that are out of my control. “The stars made me do it!” I scream with complete confidence as the bouncer drags me out of my local watering hole on a Tuesday afternoon. You don’t have to completely follow the advice of the heavens, but you can at least consult them to see what may be in store for you. Best of luck this week.

+ Aries

You’re having communication issues. It seems like nobody is getting your point, catching your drift, smelling what you’re stepping in. You can fix this problem by avoiding text message abbreviations and learning proper punctuation.

+ Taurus

Realize that your greatest adventures will come from your biggest challenges. You won’t remember that girl you hooked up with in the bathroom 10 minutes after meeting her, but you will remember the one that made you drive halfway across the country to introduce you to her boyfriend.
+ Gemini

You’re incredibly passionate. So passionate, in fact, that people are starting to worry. Mostly because that passion only seems to surface after 15 shots of whiskey, and you’re only applying that passion to karaoke.

+ Cancer

You’re stubbornly arguing with a loved one about something that isn’t going to matter in a week. By that time, you’ll be far too concerned with an STD scare to fight with your mom about doing the laundry.

+ Leo

You’ve got a secret you want to tell someone, but you’re not sure who to trust. Select three of your best friends, lie and tell them you’ve accidentally murdered someone and you need help hiding the body. The ones who volunteer are the ones you can trust with your real secret. If any of them start crying, eliminate them from all future social activities.

+ Virgo

Just play it cool, bro. Girls like to be chased, not stalked. Try ignoring her, or try being a better looking, more interesting person. One of those things will get her attention!

+ Libra

You seem to be searching for love. You’re looking for the perfect girl. A unicorn with boobs, so to speak. People are faulty, and inconsistent, accept it. If a girl tells you she loves sports and giving sexual favors to only you, she’s probably lying about one of those things.

+ Scorpio

You always want to be in control, but it’s going to get exhausting. Tonight: be the little spoon.

+ Sagittarius

Someone’s got a crush on you. Is it that bartender? The girl at your gym? The girl who sits in front of you in chemistry class? Nope. It’s a relative. Weird, right?

+ Capricorn

You need a little more patience in your love life, Capricorn. It will pay off, possibly with a threesome. But don’t quote me on that.

+ Aquarius

This week you’ll have an epiphany regarding a dilemma in your personal life. All of a sudden you may realize that you’re super into Asian chicks. Embrace it, and seek one out via Craigslist to get the ball rolling.

+ Pisces

Do you have any annoying friends? No? That mean’s you’re the annoying friend. Try not to speak your mind so much when you’ve been drinking. Everyone will like you better for it.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.