Which VMA Best Female Video Nominees Are The Best Girlfriend Material?

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Wouldn’t it be awesome to be dating a music star? We’re not sure. That’s why we watched all five videos nominated in the 2012 Video Music AwardsBest Female Video category and rated how good of girlfriend material we think each artist would be based solely on the content of their videos!

Beyonce – “Love On Top”

Holy cow, talk about “high maintenance.” What guy out there is really able to put their girlfriend’s love on top all the time? This song certainly wasn’t written on Super Bowl Sunday. Or any Sunday during football season for that matter. Then Beyoncé repeats the chorus over and over again. Alright, I get it, honey! You don’t have to keep repeating yourself! Plus the constant wardrobe changes throughout the video. We’re never going to make it to dinner on time!

GF RATING: 1 out of 5 stars

Katy Perry – “Part of Me”

Alright, the video starts with Katy Perry stalking her boyfriend at work. That’s a huge warning sign right there. Then confronting him in a public setting? Yikes. Red flags all over the place. Oh, and then not only rash decision making, but joining the Marines? Guys, I’d say stay as far away as possible, but then again, having a girlfriend head off to war would give you some time to yourself. Plus she’s Katy Perry.

GF RATING: 2 out of 5 stars

Nicki Minaj – “Starships”

First line: “Let’s go to the beach, let’s go get away… have a drink.” Yes, please. And then drinking Patron. And if I heard the lyrics right, I’m pretty sure Nicki says she’s paying. Wow. Sounds great to me. A hot, bikini-clad chick buying you drinks on a beach? Who’s gonna turn that down? One possible issue: it appears she’s being followed around by four super ripped dudes in derbies. That could be an ass-kicking just waiting to happen. Plus dancing isn’t really much of a guy thing. But dat ass!

RATING: 4 out of 5 stars.

Rihanna f. Calvin Harris – “We Found Love”

Let’s see: drinking, smoking, pill popping, gambling, theft, random acts of tattooing. Rihanna sure covered all her bases. If you like wild women, she seems right up your alley. Plus she doesn’t seem to mind going topless and/or making out pretty much anywhere. It all seems fun, but as the video alludes, these relationships never end well. A fun girlfriend, definitely, but she’s certainly not marriage material. That said, who the hell wants to get married?

RATING: 3 out of 5 stars

Selena Gomez & The Scene – “Love You Like a Love Song Baby”

The video is pretty innocuous. Who doesn’t like karaoke? But it does suck when someone gets up there and shows you up. Come on, Selena. You’re a professional. Leave karaoke to us amateurs. And who wants Justin Bieber‘s sloppy seconds? ‘Nough said.

RATING: 2 out of 5 stars

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Mike Pomranz (@pomranz) is a comedian, writer, musician and beer aficionado living in Brooklyn.