NFL Season Locks For Over-Under Team Win Totals


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Sean Green hosts the Sports Gambling Podcast and is our new expert on fun ways to lose money.

We are merely hours away from the return of the NFL and more importantly the return of America’s true pastime, football gambling. I’ve done my research and I’ve got some lead pipe locks when it comes to the over/under team win totals. The best part about these bets is that bookies and off-shore websites won’t collect until the end of the season. It’s like betting free money! Plus if you subscribe to the Mayan calendar, your lost wagers will be a mere formality come December 21. Mortgaging your future with unnecessary future financial burdens is what makes America great. It’s like taking out student loans, except with season win totals there’s a chance you may actually earn some money!

New York Jets Under 8.5 Wins

Between Antonio Cromartie’s eight children and Tim Tebow’s religious belief, the only common thread tying this Jets team together is a hatred of birth control. The Jets failed to score a TD in their first three pre-season games and the last time that happened was the 1977 Falcons, who went on to average a mere 12.8 points per game. Thou shalt not idolize false gods, and once Tebow fails, the only thing being worshiped in New York will be Rex Ryan’s wife’s feet post-pedicure.

Arizona Cardinals Under 7 Wins

Say what you will about their immigration laws, the most racist thing Arizona has done was to assume that Kevin Kolb would be a great QB. Now that the great white hype has been exposed, Arizona is left with sad sack John Skelton to mop up the mess. Letting up 54 sacks last year the Arizona offensive line proved more porous than the Mexican border. Larry Fitzgerald is a first ballot hall of famer, but without a franchise QB Arizona’s struggles will continue.

Baltimore Ravens Over 10 Wins

The Ravens went 12-4 for the second season in a row, beating the Steelers twice in the regular season. Flacco came up huge in the AFC Championship game, and if it wasn’t for a dropped TD pass and a missed chip shot, he may be wearing his first Super Bowl ring. Flacco is poised to take the next step this year, especially with Ray Rice running the ball and Michael Oher guarding his “Blind Side.” “The Blind Side,” of course, is the movie where Sandra Bullock is a hero for figuring out a 6’4″ 315lb guy might have a knack for playing offensive line. As far as defense, well, put it this way, if you’re gambling on sports or hanging outside an Atlanta area night club, it’s best not to bet against Ray Lewis.

So what are you waiting for? Get those bets in! Even if things don’t work out, at least you’ll have an excuse for being really drunk at the company Christmas party this year.

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Sean Green is a standup comic, podcaster and degenerate gambler living in Los Angeles.