How To Be The Man To Younger Brothers


Credit: 20th Century Fox/Getty Images

It’s second and goal, and you have three chances to score. You drop back near your parents’ lawn chairs to pass. Your little brother runs deep, and you peg him in the back of the head as hard as you can. No doubt, this is about as good as it gets. You’re a hero to your friends, your little brother’s whimpering on the ground and his friends have the look of ungodly fear in their eyes. But there’s only so many beat downs, pranks and wet willies you can give your younger brothers before you turn them into psychos and everyone thinks you’re a douche.

Especially if you have a weenie-dad or if your dad’s not around, you need to be the man who shows his younger brothers how to be the man. But just as a dad must punish his children from time to time, the big brother gets to mess with his younger brothers occasionally. Scientists here at the Guy Code Blog figured out the golden ratio for how to be a cool big brother: For every four cool things you do for your little bro, you get to mess with him twice.¬†Here are some tips for both.


Credit: 20th Century Fox/Getty Images

The Nice Things

Dress Sharp

Sometimes you have to dress to impress employers and the ladies, but there’s plenty of room within those rules to not feel like a tool. Tell him it’s pretty simple: women want you to dress tight to see your muscles, and employers want you to dress tight to see that you’re well-nourished and not packing heat. Beyond that, you can wear whatever you want. But teach your bro how to tie a tie. That’s an embarrassing thing not to know.

Talk To Women

This goes along with dressing sharp, but it’s harder to teach. You don’t want your brother around every time you’re flirting because he’ll cramp your game. Try telling him what not to do first: no baby talk with women you’ve just met, no ghetto voice if you’re not ghetto or can’t do a hilarious and adorable ghetto voice. Then move on to a couple of things to always do: smile while making eye contact, stand up straight and already have a specific place in mind where you want to take her on a date.

Driving

If your parents teach him, chances are he’s going to end up with a rebellious attitude toward driving because his lessons came with a heaping teaspoon of freaking out over his every mistake. Unless you’re his legal guardian, you can’t take him driving until he’s at least gotten a restricted license. But Walmart parking lots are the Wild West. And the Wild West has fast food corn dogs right nearby.

Express Your Feelings

We’re not saying you should turn him into the guy whose autobiography ends up in Oprah’s Book Club, but make sure he knows how to vent, even if it’s not to you. If he bottles up all his feelings, he’s going to end up being the toothless nut in the mental hospital who reads everything in Oprah’s Book Club.

The Fun Things

The Superman

You have to do this to a much younger, or at least much lighter, brother. Grab him by the back of his shirt and the back of his pants’ waistband, pick him up and send him off faster than a speeding bullet.

The Hermaphrodite Myth

While some older brothers like to tell their younger siblings that they were adopted, if you’re the actual brother of someone, you’ll probably look pretty similar. That creates enough doubt that when your bro asks your parents, he’ll believe them when they say he wasn’t adopted. But if you tell your little brother that he was a hermaphrodite and that the doctors and your parents had to decide his gender at birth, he knows that his parents will probably deny it no matter if it’s true or not. If you’re a good enough actor, this can keep him unsettled for his whole childhood.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.