A Movie Tutorial For Getting Over Your Susan Glenn

Credit: Katy Winn/Getty Images

Look at any culture and Susan Glenns are there, being held up on pedestals. She may go by Wen Tsingbo, Adabeesa Adawimba or Katya Dobrawiczky, but at the immigration office, she’d have to fill out her forms under the name Glenn, Susan. She is your idea of perfection and “one that got away”–so you grieve for her alone in your room, blaring some Radiohead, playing the oldest video game you own and half starving yourself to death. You’re a mess. Get some sun, you creepy emo bitch. And get over her.

But how do you do it? Sometimes getting over a Susan Glenn requires actually getting her to fall for you. This takes a lot of luck or a lot of skill. Because movies are the best way to learn everything, we’re going to show you five different ways movie characters did it. One thing all five characters have in common is that in order to get over their respective Susan Glenns, they had to meet someone who’s hotter, cooler and/or more fun than her.

1. Claw The Bunny: ‘Swingers’

In “Swingers,” Mikey has been pining over the Susan Glenn he left in New York for most of the movie. He’s hitting bottom, self-sabotaging every chance he has with a new woman. So when his self-esteem can’t get any lower, he meets Heather Graham and decides that just because she likes the same things he likes, he’s madly in love with her. Then the movie ends. Although this movie rocks, this is the most pathetic way to get over your Susan Glenn.

2. Be The Puppetmaster: ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’

Jason Segel‘s Susan Glenn is Kristen Bell, a hard one to get over. He starts to endear himself to Mila Kunis–also damn hot–and gets over his first Susan Glenn. We say first because, well, he immediately puts Kunis on a pedestal, and when he mucks it up with her, he turns her into the girl that got away. Even though they get back together at the end of the movie, we know it won’t end well.  If you have more than one Susan Glenn in your life, you have to question whether any of them are that awesome, or if you’re just weak.

3. End The Quest: ‘Better Off Dead’

Every movie John Cusack‘s made, including “Con Air,” has a Susan Glenn in it, but “Better Off Dead” is the funniest. After getting dumped for a mega-jock, Cusack tries to kill himself. When that fails, he decides to challenge the jock to a ski race to win his lady back.  Meanwhile, he is overlooking the bangin’ French exchange student from next door who’s definitely into him. Eventually he realizes what he has, ditches skiing, serenades the Frenchie with his saxophone and his Susan Glenn becomes Susan Who?

4. Stop Sleeping Around: ‘Wedding Crashers’

Unlike in the other movies on this list, Owen Wilson meets his dream girl during the movie and ends up getting with her. A lot has to go right for this to happen, so tread carefully. First, you need to stop bulls***ing women into bed every weekend. Second, if another guy is competing  for her, make sure he’s a Wall Street Douche; Susan Glenns secretly hate them because they know he’ll give them herpes 10 years into their marriage. Also, if your nose looks like Owen Wilson’s, make sure she has no depth perception.

5. Erase The Hard Drive: ‘Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind’

The technology’s not there yet, but if it were, having all your memories of Susan Glenn erased would be an awesome way to get over her. If she’s as hung up on you as you are on her, like in “Eternal Sunshine,” she’ll get her memory erased too. That means you guys might end up getting together anyway.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.