The Male Checklist For Getting Pierced

Credit: eduardo gaviña marañon

If you’re a guy and you’re thinking about getting a piercing, you need to think this decision through carefully. You want to make sure you know what you’re doing and what you want before you pay someone to punch a hole through your body. The cast of “Guy Code” will be talking about this very subject at 11/10c on MTV2, but here are a few initial questions to ask yourself before getting pricked.

Where Do You Get It?

The easiest way to think about it is this: The closer your piercing is to the ground, the weirder you are. Think about it. Anything on the face or head (ear, tongue, nose, etc.) is a normal “I’m an interesting rebel” kind of piercing. But anything lower gets strange. Nipple piercing? Maybe you’re into S&M. Bellybutton piercing? Maybe you lost a bet and have hilarious friends. A piercing through your dong? You have serious problems and deal with them in the stupidest ways possible like piercing your penis instead of getting therapy.

Do You Want To Be Pretentious?

Your attitude can either be “I figured, what the hell, it looks cool” or “How dare you disrespect me by asking about my piercing. How dare you!?” It might be best to go with the first one since it will lower the risk of someone ripping out your piecing because you’re a pretentious jerk.

Do You Like Answering The Same Question Repeatedly?

Do you like being asked, “Did that hurt?”  If so, then getting a piercing is definitely for you. Go ahead and get a tattoo as well. You can probably get them both done at the same place. And if want to be asked this question but don’t want to commit, just make yourself fall down in front of people.

Will This Help Me Get Laid?

This may be the most important question. You can argue that almost every decision you make, whether consciously or not, is influenced by the desire to have sex with ladies. Why go to the gym? Why buy new clothes when you have four shirts and two pairs of jeans that fit just fine? Because doing those things help you get laid. The piercing decision is a little tougher. There are some girls who may think it’s hot, but not most girls. Think about all the times you’ve struck out with a girl. When you think of why you struck out, the answer is never, “Because I didn’t have a piercing.” In fact, a piercing might even have increased your number of strikeouts.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a New York comic who doesn’t need glasses, but wears them to look smart.