Guy Code Horoscopes: Predicting Aug 29th-Sept 4th

As you plan your week out, you’re going to need some help. You’re not an island, you’re a sad, confused little boy. Let the stars be your guide. Let them tell you whether or not you’re a p***y, let them throw a baseball at you full speed then insult you for crying when it hits you dead in the chest, let them tell you to join the Army. Let the stars be your stepfather, is what I’m saying. They’re not your real dad, so technically, you don’t have to do what they say, but if you follow their advice you won’t be steered entirely wrong.

+ Aries

You’re stressed beyond belief and you’re not handling it well. Get yourself on a healthy schedule and learn how to meditate. Looking at Internet porn does not count as meditation. Even if you do it on a yoga mat.

+ Taurus

Your negative attitude is doing you no favors. Buck up, Danny Downer! When you’re at a party later this week, be the first one to take your shirt off. Take back the night by showing the world your disgusting torso!

+ Gemini

The universe will grant your wish if you change it to something the universe can manage. Instead of aiming for a career in the NBA, shoot for a restaurant manager. And remember, every occupation has its own groupies, so no matter what you do there’ll always be chicks waiting to drain you of your hard-earned money.

+ Cancer

That girl you’re dating has a secret. That secret is a penis. Don’t ask me how you didn’t notice, maybe you need to work on being a more attentive lover.

+ Leo

You’re a lion, but you’re not acting like one. You’re acting more like a furry Pomeranian dog whose owner shaved it to look like a lion. You’re missing a lot of hair, and you feel ashamed but can’t figure out why. Rule over your kingdom, Simba. Everything the light touches is yours! (Except your boss’s wife.)

+ Virgo

You have no game. If you want women to pay attention to you, learn to play the guitar, or give women money to pay attention to you.

+ Libra

You’re looking for a friend with benefits. Unfortunately, you’re ending up with lots of friends. Be more forward in your actions. Playing it safe on the first date is OK, but during your second date, constantly talk about how horny you are and order only phallic foods like hot dogs, bread-sticks and bananas.

+ Scorpio

Try going green this week. Ride your bike everywhere. That way when your license gets revoked after your third DUI, it won’t be such a shock to your system.

+ Sagittarius

If you want to find out who your best friends are, organize a jewel heist and follow through with it.

+ Capricorn

Set some lofty goals for yourself this week. You’re going to have the energy to accomplish them all, thanks to a manic episode and a free case of energy drinks from a radio contest. Next week, check yourself into mental hospital and allow yourself to crash for a few days!

+ Aquarius

Don’t let others stand in the way of your dreams. By that I mean, don’t get any Waffle House waitresses pregnant.

+ Pisces

You think you’re in love, but you’re actually just sleep deprived. It’s a terrorist tactic, and the girl you’re hooking up with is using it to her advantage. If you’re not careful, she may try starving you slowly and cutting off communication between you and your loved ones.

+ Follow Guy Code on TwitterFacebook and Tumblr

+ Watch new episodes of “Guy Code” every Tuesday at 11/10c on MTV2

Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.