Yoga Is Manlier Than You Think


Credit: Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images

Tomorrow night’s “Guy Code” delves into the mystery known as yoga. I know what you’re thinking: Yoga is for chicks. A manly workout consists of 45 plates clanging into each other, veins popping. Or maybe a solid run, whether it’s outside braving the elements or on a treadmill with a Drago-like incline. Or maybe P90X or Insanity or Crossfit or some other high-intensity all-around hell cycle. Basically, if it involves grunting, it’s a good workout. Thus, namby-pamby yoga is not a good workout. Well, you are wrong.

Babes

First of all, there are babes. Babes in tight pants spreading their legs and arching their backs and bending over RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. This isn’t like going to ballet or Zumba or some other “girly” thing. There are whole cultures built around yoga. It’s not some womanly workout fad. It’s legit. And often filled with babes. And just by being there, the girls already find you endearing. If you’re good at it, they’ll straight splash for you.

You can also go into Lululemon and chat up the hotties that work there. Oh, what’s that, you don’t know about the yoga store Lululemon? So you’re unaware that all the hottest girls applying for jobs at the mall end up there. They wear yoga pants to work, dude. So you can go in and sort of know what you’re talking about and strike up a convo (but you can never, EVER buy something there, that would be a violation — unless it’s to give the hottie commission thinking it’ll make her want to date you).

Great Workout

But let’s talk about the workout aspect. It is the perfect exercise: you get a good sweat going and it’s like you didn’t even do ANYTHING. You may think contorting yourself in a solo game of Twister is easy, but seriously, when is the last time you stretched? Stretching is hard. I bet you can’t even touch your toes right now. Yoga will help you touch your toes.

Improve Your Hump Game

Better flexibility leads to better sex, so you’ll no longer cramp up when your girl wants to get fresh using one of those overwrought positions she read about in Cosmo. Plus: it’ll cure you of your two-pump-chump habits, science says so.

No More Weezing

In addition to better flexibility, it helps with breathing. Those two things will make you better at other exercises. Running just makes you better at running. Lifting makes you better at lifting. But yoga makes you better at lifting and running and humping.

You can have your free weights and snatches. I’ll be in the yoga room surrounded by snatches.

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) is in a yoga class staring at your girl’s ass right this second.