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Your girlfriend just dumped you, your car is wrecked and you're not sure if you'll ever get a job. Sometimes these things aren't just the subject matter of a country song. Sometimes this is your stressful life...without a redneck melody. Stress is what holds you back from doing all things awesome, and you know it. When your forehead clenches up like your butt cheeks do on a long car ride home from a restaurant that probably gave you food poisoning, forget about achieving anything: grades, promotion, trust from your girlfriend, winning a fantasy league. Those who know how to move up know how to chill out. Tomorrow night, the crew on "Guy Code" are talking "stress." In the meantime, here are seven ways you can reduce yours:
1. Meditation
Think about every fighting movie ever made. The hero can never beat the rich blonde kid or the weird-haired Thai kickboxer without some soul-searching and inner peace. Find a quiet place, close your eyes, breathe and think about honoring your master's legacy.
2. Clean Your Bedroom
You don't have to make your room look like you're a serial killer, but if you make your bed every morning, your bed will seem more welcoming at night. This will help you fall asleep faster so you sleep longer and relax more. Also, do your sock laundry. That smell would stress anyone out.
3. Sauna
The sauna is the main reason Scandinavian countries don't go to war. The other reason is that they're all attractive, so they're too busy looking at themselves in the mirror and bonking each other.
4. Change Your Workout Habits
Maybe drop the power-lifting for a few weeks. Those blood vessels in your eyes aren't the only things about to pop when you overdo it with the squat press. The strain on your muscles, tendons and joints may be turning you into a really annoying version of the Incredible Hulk.
5. Massage
This is obviously a great way to cut the stress. Instead of dropping all your bank on one long one, maybe get three short ones across a week. Going once might piss you off the minute that good feeling wears off, while spreading them out could trick you into thinking that you're the type of big shot corporate exec who gets massages all the time.
6. Don't Bring The Noise
If you're actually stressed out, don't tell yourself that 100 decibels of Lil Wayne is going to help you blow off steam. You're going to leave the club and be a crabby bitch for a week. Avoid the dance club, rock shows, construction zones, Italian women and babies.
7. Cut The Caffeine
Instead of tweaking from caffeine, tweak your caffeine intake. That means you have to take a break from Jager bombs, coffee and any energy drink from any can that looks like it was designed by a goth kid. If you're taking caffeine pills, you need to cut that too. But seriously, what the f*** are you doing taking caffeine pills in 2012?
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