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Kickoff is right around the corner and we can almost taste the hot wings. Soon we'll have four months of Sundays where we ignore the outside world, plop down in that recliner and lose ourselves in quarterbacks, cheerleaders and defensive schemes. We yell at the TV. We hate the guy in the room rooting for the other team. We blow the rest of our week's paycheck on cheap beer and artery-clogging meals. Every Sunday is like a little vacation from life's B.S.
The beauty of the NFL is that no matter how many questions we ask or previews we read, the answers remain vague. So why waste your time with long, in-depth reports that most likely mean nothing in a few weeks? We combined our knowledge of the league into the quick, artistic 5-7-5 format of haikus to give you the only NFL Preview worth reading.
NFC North
Green Bay Packers
Red zone. Rodgers throws,
Jennings scores, jumps on heads of
Frozen tundra cheese.
Chicago Bears
True fans get nauseous
When Cutler's thumb is injured
And Hanie's isn't.
Detroit Lions
If Matt takes team far,
Fans will call it Staf-Ford Field,
And attend for once.
Minnesota Vikings
Ponder's best weapons:
Dudes who are always injured
Or jailed for weed.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons
Explosive offense
Rebound from Wild-Card game loss
Must convert fourth downs
New Orleans Saints
Drew Brees signs huge deal
Yes, about that bounty-gate
Payton is watching
Carolina Panthers
Jon Beason is back
Cam is GQ's coverboy
Expensive backfield
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
They can't stop the run
Does falling tree in woods sound
Can't fill stadium
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys
Dez hits his mother
Better than Romo hits WRs
That's unfortunate.
New York Giants
Salsa dancin' team...
How did they win the title?
The better Manning.
Philadelphia Eagles
Spell overrated:
It's E-A-G-L-E-S
Wrong! V-I-C-K
Washington Redskins
Welcome RG3
To the mediocre team
Dan Snyder ruined
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals
Timid Kevin Kolb
Or Shaky Skelton? Neither
Can hit Fitzgerald.
San Francisco 49ers
Harbaugh is new god
If he can win again with
A. Smith's limp-dick arm.
Seattle Seahawks
Beast-Mode Lynch eats so
many Touchdown Skittles, will
get diabetes.
St. Louis Rams
Why does Missouri
Have two NFL teams when
LA has zero?
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers
Todd Haley and Ben,
Perfect storm of douchery.
There will be bro hugs.
Cleveland Browns
Who's their quarterback?
Does it even matter? Nah.
Rookies all around.
Baltimore Ravens
More like the Ray-vens.
'Cuz of their two stars, get it?
One's fast, one's ageless.
Cincinnati Bengals
They made the playoffs.
Hopefully they savored it.
Won't happen this year.
AFC South
Houston Texans
Texas runner up
Winners of crap division
Jerry Jones Crying
Jacksonville Jaguars
Blaine Gabbert Barbie
MJD's holdout daunting
Bye weekend delights
Tennessee Titans
Former Penn State Coach
Matt Hasselbeck wheelchair bound
Shield your eyes children
Indianapolis Colts
Peyton Manning Gone
Andrew Luck number one pick
Drew Stanton Clipboard
AFC EAST
New England Patriots
Gronk wants catch pass now
Tom Brady and Belichick
Giants still Daddy
Buffalo Bills
Fitzpatrick shaves beard
Busy offseason for once
Still won't make playoffs
New York Jets
Offensive line stinks
Sanchez Tebow Sanchez crap
Rex Ryan shuts up
Miami Dolphins
New coach but same Fins
Tannehill's wife is so hot
Hard knocks indeed Chad
AFC West
Denver Broncos
Tim Tebow is gone
What are they gonna do now?
Peyton Manning, duh!
Kansas City Chiefs
Bowe ends hold-out, but
Matt Cassel is still QB
All about the D
Oakland Raiders
Here's a sleeper pick:
The Raiders clinch Wild Card
'Cuz Al Davis died
San Diego Chargers
Norv is still coaching?
Phillip Rivers still a bust?
Sounds like the Chargers
