2012 NFL Team Previews As Haikus


Credit: Rick Stewart/Stringer/Getty Images

Kickoff is right around the corner and we can almost taste the hot wings.  Soon we’ll have four months of Sundays where we ignore the outside world, plop down in that recliner and lose ourselves in quarterbacks, cheerleaders and defensive schemes. We yell at the TV. We hate the guy in the room rooting for the other team. We blow the rest of our week’s paycheck on cheap beer and artery-clogging meals. Every Sunday is like a little vacation from life’s B.S.

The beauty of the NFL is that no matter how many questions we ask or previews we read, the answers remain vague.  So why waste your time with long, in-depth reports that most likely mean nothing in a few weeks? We combined our knowledge of the league into the quick, artistic 5-7-5 format of haikus to give you the only NFL Preview worth reading.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers

Red zone. Rodgers throws,
Jennings scores, jumps on heads of
Frozen tundra cheese.

Chicago Bears

True fans get nauseous
When Cutler’s thumb is injured
And Hanie’s isn’t.

Detroit Lions

If Matt takes team far,
Fans will call it Staf-Ford Field,
And attend for once.

Minnesota Vikings

Ponder’s best weapons:
Dudes who are always injured
Or jailed for weed.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons

Explosive offense
Rebound from Wild-Card game loss
Must convert fourth downs

New Orleans Saints

Drew Brees signs huge deal
Yes, about that bounty-gate
Payton is watching

Carolina Panthers

Jon Beason is back
Cam is GQ’s coverboy
Expensive backfield

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

They can’t stop the run
Does falling tree in woods sound
Can’t fill stadium

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys

Dez hits his mother
Better than Romo hits WRs
That’s unfortunate.

New York Giants

Salsa dancin’ team…
How did they win the title?
The better Manning.

Philadelphia Eagles

Spell overrated:
It’s E-A-G-L-E-S
Wrong! V-I-C-K

Washington Redskins

Welcome RG3
To the mediocre team
Dan Snyder ruined

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals

Timid Kevin Kolb
Or Shaky Skelton? Neither
Can hit Fitzgerald.

San Francisco 49ers

Harbaugh is new god
If he can win again with
A. Smith’s limp-dick arm.

Seattle Seahawks

Beast-Mode Lynch eats so
many Touchdown Skittles, will
get diabetes.

St. Louis Rams

Why does Missouri
Have two NFL teams when
LA has zero?

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers

Todd Haley and Ben,
Perfect storm of douchery.
There will be bro hugs.

Cleveland Browns

Who’s their quarterback?
Does it even matter? Nah.
Rookies all around.

Baltimore Ravens

More like the Ray-vens.
‘Cuz of their two stars, get it?
One’s fast, one’s ageless.

Cincinnati Bengals

They made the playoffs.
Hopefully they savored it.
Won’t happen this year.

AFC South

Houston Texans

Texas runner up
Winners of crap division
Jerry Jones Crying

Jacksonville Jaguars

Blaine Gabbert Barbie
MJD’s holdout daunting
Bye weekend delights

Tennessee Titans

Former Penn State Coach
Matt Hasselbeck wheelchair bound
Shield your eyes children

Indianapolis Colts

Peyton Manning Gone
Andrew Luck number one pick
Drew Stanton Clipboard

AFC EAST

New England Patriots

Gronk wants catch pass now
Tom Brady and Belichick
Giants still Daddy

Buffalo Bills

Fitzpatrick shaves beard
Busy offseason for once
Still won’t make playoffs

New York Jets

Offensive line stinks
Sanchez Tebow Sanchez crap
Rex Ryan shuts up

Miami Dolphins

New coach but same Fins
Tannehill’s wife is so hot
Hard knocks indeed Chad

AFC West

Denver Broncos

Tim Tebow is gone
What are they gonna do now?
Peyton Manning, duh!

Kansas City Chiefs

Bowe ends hold-out, but
Matt Cassel is still QB
All about the D

Oakland Raiders

Here’s a sleeper pick:
The Raiders clinch Wild Card
‘Cuz Al Davis died

San Diego Chargers

Norv is still coaching?
Phillip Rivers still a bust?
Sounds like the Chargers

Credits:
NFC North by Charlie Kasov
NFC South by Brett Smiley
NFC East by RG Daniels
NFC West by Ryan McKee
AFC North by Carl Williot
AFC South by Kenny Bernat
AFC East by Brett Smiley
AFC West by RG Daniels

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