Code Breakers: Porn Star Causes Syphilis Outbreak


Credit: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Welp, hope you haven’t gotten sick of your current stable of porn vids, because you could be stuck with them for a while. A syphilis outbreak has caused the adult film industry to halt operations nationwide. Patient zero was a male porn actor in L.A. who tested positive for syphilis. The guy pulled a Melky Cabrera, doctoring his test results so he could continue working, and ended up infecting people during three ensuing scenes. Then it turned into “Contagion: The Porn” (which we’d obviously watch) and now you’re left without new spank material because of this one syphilitic a**hole…er, dick.

And think — if syphilis is this widespread, what about the STDs that nobody pays attention to?! A few days ago we introduced you to the likes of The Chank and Granny Sores, and by God if those piddly little STDs try to get in on this syphilis action we will be LIVID. No way we’re going back to the days of peep shows. Wrap it up, porn union! (Do they have a union? If not, they should. Jimmy hats instead of hard hats. That could be their slogan.)

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Now what? Is Carl Williott (@cwilliott) supposed to use his imagination or something? How does that work?