Guy Code Horoscopes: Predicting August 22 – 28

So you’re into living your life by the stars, huh? Good call. It’s always best to base your life decisions on things you have no control over. Don’t bother checking your local paper for an accurate astrological reading, they’re probably full of crap, and they’re going to have a lot to say about romance and handsome strangers. If you’re looking for something more your speed, then you came to the right place. So, what do the stars have in store for you this week? Mostly good stuff, but also terrible misfortunes. When I took to my roof to get my readings this week, it was a little bit cloudy out and I was also somewhat drunk, so please excuse any inaccuracies.

+ Aries

Make things happen in a power suit! Your “n0-s***” attitude makes everyone think you’re the f***ing Tin Man, but you’re not. Someone will see you cry this week, and if you play your cards right, you’ll get a handy out of it. At least a handy.

+ Taurus

Don’t be so quick to judge someone when you see them at their worst. Have patience, and if that doesn’t work, create a fake Twitter account and destroy them socially. Also, there’s no way you can beat up your sister’s boyfriend. He’s stronger than he looks.

+ Gemini

Your charm will only take you so far because you’re far less attractive than you think. Understand your limitations and bribe those who oppose you with small pieces of candy or alcohol. They will eventually see things your way.

+ Cancer

Your newly single dad won’t stop hitting on your sister’s hot older friend. While bearing witness to such a thing is terribly uncomfortable, just let it happen. She’s shining a ray of light in his otherwise dark, boner-less world.

+ Leo

You’ve hit a metaphorical fork in the road. It involves two women you’ve been seeing. Risk it all by proposing a threesome. Worst case scenario, they both bail and tell their friends you’re disgusting. Fortune favors the bold!

+ Virgo

A big career change is on your horizon for you this week, but if you don’t cut back on the drinking, you’re going to be screwed. Nobody wants to hire a boozy-smelling 20-something with a puffy beer face. Seriously, this is an intervention. We love you and we want you to get help.

+ Libra

It’s your week to shine, dude. It’s going to be like Spring Break in your pants. Unfortunately, you will pass out at a party this week and someone is going to draw a dick on your face. But overall, you’ve got a solid week ahead of you.

+ Scorpio

You don’t have to be so fiercely independent. There are plenty of things you shouldn’t do by yourself; like eat a large pizza, drink a case of beer or rob a bank. Enlist help from your dirt-bag friends when you feel you’re making your worst decisions.

+ Sagittarius

You’re still hung up on your ex-girlfriend. People will tell you that sleeping with a string of strangers will worsen your problems in the long run, but the stars tell me they’re wrong. Take a vacation to a college town and tell people you’re a doctor. You’ll forget about your past in no time!

+ Capricorn

Consider moving to Mexico for six months. Once you become sufficiently tan, grow a chin-strap beard, fool the cartel into thinking you’re a native and join a prominent gang. If you make it back to the States alive, you’re going tell to the coolest stories!

+ Aquarius

You’re holding a grudge against someone very close to you. Let it go; people do really weird things when they’re under the influence. Just remember, iPods are replaceable and singed pubic hair grows back, but a severed friendship can stay severed forever.

+ Pisces

Fishermen will find your body and nurse you back to health. When you come to, you’ll have no recollection of what happened. You will soon discover you’re being hunted, but have no idea why. You’ll travel the world running from assassins while you attempt to piece your life back together.

+ Follow Guy Code on TwitterFacebook and Tumblr

+ Watch new episodes of “Guy Code” every Tuesday at 11/10c on MTV2

Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.