The Pill For Men: Your Prayers May Be Answered

Credit: Peter Dazeley via Getty Images

Our friends over in the world of science are onto something, a male birth control pill. What? That’s right, scientists from Houston, D.C. and Boston teamed up to cure cancer and ended up creating a chemical that might, um, stop your men from sending out tinier men. We haven’t been this excited since the first time we were finally buying condoms to actually use them. For the super-scientific description, click here. Otherwise, stay here for the simpler summary and–more importantly–the reasons why you want this pill to happen.

1. It’ll Turn Her On

No, not because the sensation is different for her. It’s because you wouldn’t shut the f*** up about how much you hated wearing condoms after the second time you had sex with one on. All that complaining, she heard it. And it was in her head every time your whiny a** tried to seduce her.

2. No More Mood Swings

“Finally, she’s on the pill!” So many men have celebrated this fact as an answer to all of their sexual worries: a serious girlfriend, consistent sex and no worries about pregnancy. Unfortunately, the hormones that accompany the pill often lead to this kind of exchange: “Wait, why are you crying? I literally didn’t say anything. Oh for f***’s sake, now I’m going soft.”

3. Goodbye, Condom Stank

You can’t flush ‘em, you shouldn’t burn ‘em and please don’t try to use them to smuggle heroin after you’ve ejected in them. Unless you remember to take the trash out every day, your bathroom is gonna smell all kinds of awful.

4. No Sore Nipples

With most hormonal birth control, she’ll get them. Even if it’s for a few weeks, neither of you want to deal with that. We don’t know yet if the pill for men will cause it, but your nipples are smaller, so they’ll hurt less anyway. Plus, even if they hurt, man up and ignore it!

5. That Good Old Responsible Feeling

You’re a man. You want to be the one who takes the game winning three-pointer. The one who gets to cut the blue wire to defuse the bomb in the cop movie. And you should want to be the one who takes the pill at the same time every morning to prevent that little bundle of expensiveness and responsibility from popping out of your girlfriend. No form of birth control is 100 percent effective. But when you take the pill, you get to rely on yourself, to feel like you have the power. And if an accident does happen, you can say, “I did my part,” and deserve more of a say in what to do next.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a writer, comedian and cartoonist in Brooklyn, New York.