6 Weird STDs That May Scare You Celibate


Credit: Britannica.com

Herpes, HIV, the clap. You probably think you know all there is to know about STDs and how to avoid them. You don’t. Tonight on “Guy Code” (11p/10c) the cast will delve into this scary but important topic. And many of the cast-members are comedians, so you know they’re experts on STDs.

However, even many “experts” only know the mainstream STDs. So we’re about to school you on the obscure STDs. The indie STDs who perform at shabby-chic bars with no names. Below are six STDs you’ve probably never heard of, so you should probably just assume you already have them.

1. Chancroid
Guy Code Nickname: The Chank
What the hell is it: A bacterial infection that leads to painful genital sores/ulcers. It’s generally only found in developing countries…so be careful if you’re sampling the local flavors on those business trips to emerging markets.
Do you have it: Probably not. According to the CDC, in 2010 only 24 cases were reported in the US. However, it may also be “substantially underdiagnosed.” So yeah, you may very well have it. But it’s curable with about a week of medication.

2. Trichomaniasis
Guy Code Nickname:  Nasty Trich
What the hell is it: An infection caused by a protozoan, which somehow seems grosser than a bacterial or viral infection.
Do you have it: Probably. Men rarely show symptoms (though a whole host of nasty things happen to women’s parts), and eight million Americans are infected with it every year. The infection can be treated with meds.

3. Cytomegalovirus
Guy Code Nickname: The Mega Lo
What the hell is it: The virus is usually transmitted through saliva, but adults can also get it by exchanging “other” bodily fluids, and generally it shows no symptoms.
Do you have it: Definitely, but it’s only a problem for people with very weak immune systems. The first infection is usually symptomless and, like chicken pox, prevents reinfection. There’s no cure, but in the event you show symptoms, they can be treated.

4. Molluscum contagiosum
Guy Code Nickname: Mollusk mumps
What the hell is it: A virus that leaves red welts on the skin around the genitals and thighs.
Do you have it: Probably not — only a few hundred thousand annual cases in the country — but you’ll know if you have it. The growths can be removed with chemicals, freezing or electric current, as well as medication. Or if you’re a lazy ass, the bumps will eventually go away after a couple years on their own.

5. Scabies
Guy Code Nickname: Dick Diggers
What the hell is it: A mite in the same family as the spider (gah!) that burrows under the skin, causing intense night itching and small curly lines of rashes. It’s basically the evil twin of the bed bug: if you have it, your clothes have it, and your couches and anyone who’s touched any of that. We thought this was some medieval disease or something pirates got after weeks on the high seas. We were wrong.
Do you have it: Probably not. But if you do, there are creams and shampoos to kill it right quick.

6. Granuloma inguinale
Guy Code Nickname:  Granny sores
What the hell is it: A bacterial infection that causes painless nodules on the genitals. Sounds tame, right? WRONG. Eventually those nodules burst creating “open, fleshy, oozing lesions” and leaving the infected tissue mutilated, according to Wikipedia.
Do you have it: Probably not, since it’s another one that is more common in developing nations. It can be treated with antibiotics.

+ Follow Guy Code on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr 

+ For more STD talk, watch “Guy Code” tonight at 11/10c on MTV2

Carl Williott (@cwilliott) does not recommend doing a Google Image search of these STDs.