Guy Code Horoscopes: Predicting Your Week

On tonight’s new “Guy Code” episode at 11p/10c on MTV2, the cast is discussing astrology. You may be rolling your eyes right now, but it’s a legit topic. People have been looking for guidance from the stars since the dawn of time. The problem with most horoscopes is not that they don’t come true, it’s that they’re mostly written for women. We’ve decided to tailor ours toward men. So, put away your magic eight-ball, and don’t give that weird tarot card reader another cent. We’ve got everything you need to know right here:

+ Aries

You’re a stubborn a-hole. You may not think it, but that’s what everybody’s saying behind your back. Now that you know that, you want to fight them. DON’T. Take your juice-rage to the gym. When confrontations arise, don’t be so quick to choke-slam those who oppose you. Aim to be more agreeable; flow like vodka through a light-up ice luge.

+ Taurus

Your life is crazy right now. You might think it’s because of that crazy chick you’ve been hooking up with, but it’s actually because your sign is under a cosmic cloud right now. Just kidding, it’s because of that crazy chick. You should dump her, dummy. Get back down to 99 problems.

+ Gemini

There’s a new woman in your life, and thanks to an in-depth conversation you two had about peanut butter, you’re beginning to think she’s stupid. Hold steady, young man. Ride out the occasional bad conversations and focus on the one or two intelligent observations she’s made. If you have trouble being patient, just picture her naked again. Don’t forget your mom’s birthday.

+ Cancer

This is your week to get things done. Improve your three-pointers, put new air-fresheners in your car, write a tweet. Just do something because you’re riding a cosmic wave of positivity. You can capitalize on it most by being social. Please don’t interpret this as meaning you’re more likely to get laid this month, because you’re not.

+ Leo

You’re dealing with a major problem right now, and it has nothing to do with your excessive alcohol consumption, or your careless sexual habits. (That’ll be next week’s problem.) What you’re dealing with now can only be handled by passing the buck — when someone tries to blame you for something, immediately blame someone else. Also, change your phone number.

+ Virgo

You’re feeling inadequate now. Partly because of a difficult situation with a rival at work, and partly because you saw your father naked for the first time. Don’t let either situation stifle your enthusiasm and self-confidence. Make it known that you’re king of the mountain, and if your old man wants to fight you, you’ll take him on without hesitation.

+ Libra

There’s a simple solution to a recent problem you’ve been facing. Unfortunately, you’re focusing too hard on the obstacles. Maintain patience, use logic and see if you can score mushrooms. The answer might be mushrooms.

+ Scorpio

You’ve got a big decision to make this week. You might find it overwhelming, but that’s because you’re being a pussy right now. If you need to verify that fact, ask any one of your exes. Watch Olympic highlights for inspiration. Usain Bolt doesn’t get overwhelmed. He just wins.

+ Sagittarius

Don’t get so hung up on being independent. It’s your natural tendency to want to ride solo, but if you do that for too long, you’ll lose friends and potential girlfriends. Much like employers view large gaps in employment as red flags, women view large gaps in commitment the same way. You need to shave.

+ Capricorn

Reach for the skies this week, Capricorn. Buy some new gear, ask for a raise and feel free to have sex with your friend’s sister, you’re untouchable! Be reckless this week. When you’re called out on your behavior, use the “YOLO” excuse. LIVE IT UP! Next week’s gonna suck. You might be a dad.

+ Aquarius

The theme for you this week is “Haters gonna hate,” because that’s how everybody’s acting around you. Let them hate, you just keep winning and grinning. Never let on that you’re full of s***, and completely aware that you’re living your life in an unhealthy way. Keep your sneakers clean and your pants nice. Ask for bottle service and charge it to the game. Wear sunglasses everywhere so people can’t see you’ve been crying.

+ Pisces

Revel in your recent accomplishments, and live in the now. Stop worrying so much about the future. You may see your accomplishments as small, but your mother disagrees. Listen to your mother. Also, lay off the weed. Serious career change may be in your future, and there’s a good chance they’re going to piss test.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.