You guys, since I was so right about "Battleship" being a totally boss movie, I had to come back and drop some more knowledge on you, because I'm the kinda guy who makes sure his bros get their fill of cinematic delights. So here's the next movie you should be straight AMPED about: motherf***in' "Step Up Revolution."
I know, but hear me out, man. You're thinking "Whaaat, a dance movie? Has our boy gone SOFT?" NO. I am so hard. Hard for this movie. Just take one look at the trailer, and you'll see, this is one flying haymaker of sweet moves and sexy biddies. Still need convincing? Fine, I made a list for all you jabroni holdouts. Here are 11 reasons "Step Up Revolution" will straight step ON the competition's NARDS.
1. Break-dancing statues!
The appeal for this first item is self-explanatory, dog.
2. It's a franchise
"The Fast And The Furious." "Transformers." "Batman" ('90s version). "Tyler Perry's Madea." You know what these all have in common? They are franchises, and franchises always deliver the goods--otherwise, why would they keep making them? You think "The Descendants" will have a sequel where they ratchet up the number of cataclysmic explosions? You think Hollywood will spooge out a giant special FX budget for a prequel to "Moonrise Kingdom"? HELL NO. This is the fourth "Step Up" movie, and that means it's 4x as good.
3. It has the word "revolution" in the title
Did you know they originally wanted to call this "Step Up 4: Miami Heat" or "Step Up 4ever" but they changed it because as we learned from "Matrix: Revolutions," the word "revolution" denotes that something is just WAY TOO GNAR TO BE CONTAINED.
They've gone and opened up a can of BROSTEP for the soundtrack, bro. Droppin' bass like baby's nuts! But you know what else they'll be spinning in the movie...
Bud Light commercials, Walmart, Dr. Pepper...now this! Is there anything Pitbull can't do? (Rhetorical question, dudes.) Pitbull's the best, I totally get why companies would want their merch to be associated with him. It's because he definitely does NOT make people want to drive their skulls through the nearest window pane.
7. It's a mob movie
Some greaser wants to dissolve the hometown of the most illinest dance crew, so the crew says "enough with performance art, it's time for protest art" (actual quote) and they go from dance troupe to dance TROOP(s). Then they make a dance mob/flash mob MOB SUPERHYBRID, which stops traffic and businesses and s*** and soon the distracting power of dance leads to mass anarchy (so Bane!). Occupy Wall Street? More like DANCE-UPY ALL STREETZ.
8. Said "greaser" is Sandy from "The O.C."
Bienvenido a Miami, bitch!
10. The dancers are just looking for some respect
You know when you're at the gym, and you're at the water fountain filling up your 48-oz Nalgene so you can drink your protein powder, and some puny friggin' Nelson is all huffing and puffing because you're taking too long to fill up, and it's like, gah, why can't anybody respect you?! Your boss keeps busting your hump about the dry wall order, and all you wanna do is get away for a few minutes to get swole, and you can't even rep it out at AmeriFit without getting disrespected. That's what it's like for these dancers! We're all part of the same revolution, yo!
11. Wet Tits!