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"Brave" opens this weekend and from the trailers it appears to be Pixar's first "classic Disney fairy tale-type film." Previously, the CGI animation geniuses have focused on personifying inanimate objects ("Toy Story," "Cars") and animals ("Bug's Life," "Finding Nemo," "Ratatouille"), turning stock-characters like superheroes ("The Incredibles") and monsters ("Monsters, Inc.") on their ears or surprising audiences with tearjerkers ("WALL-E", "Up"). We're curious to see their twist on princesses and fantasy, but we're also curious to find out movie pitches they scratched in favor of "Brave." Since we have no contacts or inside track to Pixar, we made up our own.
1. 'Bread'
Starring: J. Lo (sassy tortilla), Mel Brooks (rye bread), Chris Rock (pumpernickel), Jeremy Irons (the evil toaster) and Betty White (Mother Oven)
Plot: Evil Toaster is brought home and gets very heated at the idea of toasting all the residents of BreadBoxville. The breads must find a way to stay fresh or else they'll start going stale and be subjected to a burning death.
Tagline: "Rise Up"
2. 'Worms'
Starring: Zooey Deschanel, Sean "Puffy" Combs, Anna Faris, Michael Cera and Nicki Minaj as The Wiggly Worms of Worthington Way
Plot: The Worms all live together in disgusting, slimy bliss until a 12-year-old kid named Kevin moves in to a house nearby and threatens to eat all of them.
Tagline: "Keepin’ It Underground"
3. 'Balls'
Starring: Ray Romano (Wilson the Football), Jude Law (Lord Tennison the tennis ball), Robert Downey Jr. ("Hot Shot" the hockey puck), Kristen Wiig (Dee Flate the airless kickball), Will Smith (Sam Spalding the basketball) and Gilbert Gottfried (the loud and crazy gym teacher)
Plot: "Balls" is the touching story of sports equipment coming together to entertain middle school children. One day a new gym teacher is hired to "invent" new games that are both dangerous and brutal on the Balls. Who will survive? Who will get punctured? Who will get tossed over the fence?
Tagline: "You Got the Balls?"
4. 'Stix'
Starring: Nicole Kidman, Matt Damon, Sofia Vergara, Adam Sandler, Roseanne Arnold, Damon Wayans and Miley Cyrus (as Eraserhead)
Plot: Literally the worst Pixar movie that could ever be made. Everyone is a stick figure on a sheet of loose leaf who must escape the clutches of Eraserhead, an evil eraser hellbent on wiping out the entire stick figure population.
Tagline: "Stick To Your Friends"
5. 'Pimps'
Starring: Steve Carell and Will Ferrell as "Pop" and "Lock", Tracy Morgan as "Chief Takka-hakka-makka" and Hugh Jackman as "P.I. Pottamus"
Plot: Two flamboyant '70s-style pimp brothers buy their own island in the Pacific, but the Chief is worried they'll be better dancers than him and steal all the women, so he hires a private eye hippo to look after the pimps.
Tagline: "Bros Before Foes."
6. 'Kid-Tators'
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Baby Hitler), Robert De Niro (as Baby Mussolini), Don Cheadle (as Baby Idi Amin) and Fred Armisen (as Baby Saddam Hussein)
Plot: The wacky adventures of your favorite young dictators, The Kid-tators, who must band together and throw the party of a lifetime or face an uprising from their guests.
Tagline: "Die Laughing"
7. 'Barry the Mighty Bite'
Starring: Ben Stiller (as Barry), Seth Rogen (as Poop Master Clench) and The Dixie Chicks (as the Body n' Soul Germ Session Band)
Plot: Barry is a bite of food that must travel down the digestive tract and turn into poop in order to escape. Along the way he must fight off the charm and allure of the Body n' Soul Germ Session Band, who are also trying to escape.
Tagline: "Who Comes Out In The End?"
Illustrations by James McCain
