8 Fried Foods That Promote Celibacy

We didn’t know this, but state and county fairs have become “the meth labs of fried food experimentation.” Chicken Charlie’s is the Radiohead of fried foods. This guy Charlie started out innocently enough, just your basics like chicken and zucchini. But then they had some sort of epiphany and started blowing away the competition, just leaps and bounds ahead of other purveyors of greasy gunk. Fried S’more was their OK Computer, Fried Kool-Aid (we don’t even understand how that works), their Kid A. Now their showcase at the annual San Diego County Fair is a main draw.

We’ll get to some of Chicken Charlie’s hits, as well as fried lumps of shame from other frequent fryers as well, in this list of eight fried foods no self-respecting human should eat (although look tempting). A girl sees you chowing down on any of these, and you’re ensured a nice solitary meal–a (short) lifetime of them.

1. Deep-Fried Cereal


Credit: Gawker

Pictured is the fried Trix version, but it also comes in Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Charlie, if you’ve already broken the cereal barrier, why stop at those two?

2. Deep-Fried Butter

This one made waves at the State Fair of Texas in 2009. But last year Iowa upped the ante by frying up ENTIRE sticks of butter on a stick, and covering it in cinnamon and frosting. Fun fact–it looks exactly the same coming out the other end.

3. Fried Klondike Bar

Credit: Food Beast

Another Charlie creation. Doesn’t this go against the laws of physics and/or nature?

4. Deep-Fried Beer

Credit: NY Daily News

It’s basically fried ravioli filled with beer instead of cheese. We imagine this leads to terrifying burns now and terrifying burns later.

5. Fried Coke

Credit: Oprah.com

It’s Coca-Cola-flavored batter which is fried, doused in Coke syrup, and topped with whipped cream and sugar. This is probably worse for you than fried cocaine.

6. Fried White Castle Burgers


Credit: O.C. Register

These gut bombs debuted at a minor league baseball game in 2007. Now we know how Harold and Kumar die.

7. Chicken-Fried Bacon


Credit: Delish.com

This hell-spawn was conceived in 2008. Which is exactly when the global economy went into a tailspin. Punishment?

8. Fried Spaghetti and Meatball on a Stick


Credit: Delish.com

Behold Super Mario’s acid nightmares. According to Delish, this abomination consists of cooked spaghetti mashed into meatball mix, which is fried in garlic batter and topped with marinara sauce. It’s a-me, atherosclerosis!

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