This week, we put together a Father’s Day Gift Guide full of sweet loot that you’d want to give your pops for being such a kick-ass molder of men. Stuff you’d want to borrow from your pops. This is not that guide. This guide is for the a**holes out there who want to f*** with their dads a little. You know, the guys who want their Father’s Day gift to be kind of awesome and kind of weird at the same time. The type of gift where your dad doesn’t quite know what you’re trying to say. Then we have the perfect gifts: infomercial products.
Infomercial products are great because they’re affordable, and they’re usually for some embarrassing hygiene problem or helping to feed into the buyer’s family identity as the “lazy” brother. So below, we have eight “As Seen On TV” gifts that will let your dad know that you’re thinking of him…but also leave him wondering why…
For The Dad Who’s Irregular
Dual Action Cleanse
This dubious colon cleanse formula promises he’ll have triumphantly thick, ropy bowel movements the size of a forearm. Weird, although your dad does like sitting on his throne.
For The Dad Who’s Too Fat To Wipe
Continuing the theme — this ass-wiping wand. They claim it’s “the first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s.” Charmin would probably have something to say about that. Anyway, we need to stop because we could seriously do a whole post on this thing.
For The Dad Who Feels…Inadequate
Pos-T-Vac Penis Pump
This cryptic ad is full of low-budget Cialis knockoff scenes, including the requisite tire swing. Your dad doesn’t even have a tire swing. But now he can have a penis-stretching suction tube! “Results” take less than four minutes. The best thing is, your old man will wonder if your step-mom asked you to buy it for him.
For The Dad Who’s A Workaholic
If your dad is one of those “Buy! Sell!” guys who has to be on the phone as he’s doing backflips, or fishtailing with his pickup truck, or just likes to have a laptop attached to the side of his head, then this is the perfect gift. Our favorite part of the ad is the intense comparison scene at :53. So cool under pressure! How many takes do you think that guy needed to pull that off? Probably one, because he’s a badass.
For The Dad Who Got Fired From Jamba Juice
When has anyone in the history of EVER bought an entire pineapple? Doesn’t matter, because if you get your dad this, he’ll be forced to be the only sucker at the grocery store buying whole pineapples.
For The Dad With Back Spasms
The key technology is the “super sticky goo pad.” You could have just given him an untwisted wire hanger with some chewed gum on the end, but no, you went the extra step.
For The Dad With Caveman Feet
If your crusty old man’s too lazy to bend over, but he already has the Magic Ass Wand and Ready Reacher, then you can get him this. It’s a damp fungus incubator that also happens massage your feet. Now, jerking off is the second-most pathetic thing he does in the shower.
For The Dad With A Special Secret
Dad didn’t want that cross-dressing secret out of the bag? Oops! Also, so many good names went unused for this product: Booby Bib, Tit Dicky, Cleavage Cover, Mudflap Mudflap, etc.