Can we all agree that not all sports movies are cut from the same cloth? While some are artistically achieved, others pale in comparison and still others are completely outlandish. In this blog post, we’re talking about the latter. Every now and then a sports movie will expect audiences to jump on-board with completely ridiculous game-changer. Whether it be a man dressed as a woman, a dog with hoops skills, a move that defies physics or a f***ing werewolf, these following flicks push our suspension of disbelief too far. We just can’t abide by a storyline happens that lacks any reality in any physical capacity. These moments are richer than dark chocolate and Mitt Romney combined.
‘D2: The Mighty Ducks’ – The Knuckle Puck
There are several moments in “The Mighty Ducks” series that are mind-blowing and cartoonish, but nothing beats the knuckle puck. Introduced by “Goodburger” thespian, Kenan Thompson, the knuckle puck works by the player placing the puck up on end before shooting. This results in it rotating end-over-end opposed to spinning around the center toward the goal.
I actually practiced the knuckle puck in my driveway for hours. The puck never faked out any of my friends and rarely got to the net. Gravity is a cold reality to a 10-year-old brain.
‘Rookie of the Year’ – Broken Arm Improves Throw
20th Century Fox
Of all the outrageous moments in sports film, nothing tops the giant leap in logic in sports medicine. Not only will breaking your arm make it heal better, but you will also be a star pitcher and get your crush to notice you–all before your balls drop.
When I was younger, I accidentally broke my cousin’s arm playing in the backyard. She never went on to pitch for any major organizations and every time it is brought amongst family gatherings, you can cut the tension with a knife. Breaking your arm will tear apart your family, not make you stronger.
‘Jerry Maguire’ – Concussion Into Break-dancing
The moment an neck injury happens to an athlete, causing him to be temporarily immobilized, it really puts sports in perspective. So, to see Cuba Gooding Jr. resurrect from a tackle that caused him to land on his head is very positive. However, to see him act like a Janet Jackson backup dancer, start break-dancing and then have it turn his life to gold tarnishes the quality “Jerry Maguire.”
‘Juwanna Mann’ – Man Joins WNBA-Equivalent
Long live the duo of Jonathan Brandis and Rodney Dangerfield in “Lady Bugs” to give birth to the genre of a man dressed as a woman to make a team successful. “Juwanna Mann” takes it into another dimension though, with a Dennis Rodman-type getting kicked out of pro basketball and then schemes his way into the WUBA (equivalent to WBNA). Do you know the best way to tell if somebody is a man or a woman? Look for an Adam’s apple! This is also good advice if you regularly troll for prostitutes.
‘Teen Wolf’ – A F***ing Werewolf!
Part of ’80s movie magic is that audiences were open to fiction that saw no bounds. Thus, the student body in “Teen Wolf” is able to accept their fellow student Scott Howard as a werewolf and cheer his dazzling dunks, behind the back passes and quick steals. They don’t even ask for a scientific explanation, nor do opposing teams challenge his player eligibility.
‘Air Bud’ – Dog Has Hops
Walt Disney Pictures
I never understood the infatuation with animals that could play sports, but America loves it: the Matt LeBlanc/chimpanzee baseball love story “Ed,” the football kicking mule “Gus” and the market-concerning athletic Golden Retriever “Air Bud.” This movie franchise sees Bud flying his way through basketball, football, soccer, baseball and even volleyball.
My dog once bit me in my sleep and pukes every time she eats. So as you can imagine, these movies are a cool beach fantasy to a pet owner like me.