10-Step Guide To Beating The Crap Out Of A Bear

Every now and then you’ll find yourself in one of those situations where you think, “Dammit! If I only knew how to beat the crap out of a bear!” Nine times out of 10, it’ll be because you are about to fight a bear. (The other one time is if you’re me and having a fight with my ex-girlfriend who could easily play for the Chicago Bears.) Lucky for you we’ve provided a guide to taking down one of those grizzly bastards. Pay attention, take notes and stay away from Rhonda Butkus if you can.

1. Stare right into the face of that hairy bag of lies. He’s only confident ‘cuz of his rep.

2. Act like you’ve been here before. Play it cool like Perry Fewell.

3. Let that bear make the first move so you can read his strategy. Chances are he fights sloppier than Courtney Love kisses.

4. Blow a kiss to your girlfriend. And while you’re at it, blow a kiss to the bear’s girlfriend. After all, she’s about to be your next girlfriend.

5. Let the music pump you up. You can never go wrong with early-90’s Pantera, late-80’s Public Enemy or anything by Slayer to kick start your tornado of ass-whippin.’

6. Make your opening move, but make it subtle and quick. A few suggestions: The Oklahoma City Eye Poke, The Betty Rubble Bitch Slap or the Ol’ Polynesian Handful of Dirt to the Face.

7. Saving your energy is important. You peak early, that bear’s got your number. Plus, an early break will confuse him. Watch that bear try to make sense of what’s happening. He can’t. He’s a bear. He’s stupid.

8. Now Attack! Punch that bear in his stupid eye, then dropkick his balls. Push him into a tree that has a hornet’s nest hanging from it. Watch his nipples get stung by hornets. Kick his balls again. Eat people food just to taunt him. Take a folding chair and slam it on his back. Shave your initials into his neck. Grab a large jar of mayonnaise and smash it into his knees. Sweep his leg and quote the Bible for no reason.

9. Laugh like a maniac and swing the mallet around like a baton. Make that bear think about his children. Stare into his eyes and make him feel insecure. Finally, raise the mallet and swing–turn his head into a croquet ball.

10. Compose yourself. You’re not a killer, you’re a fighter. Call your mother, tell her you love her and thank her for bringing you up right. Being a parent ain’t easy.

Awesome GIFs by Mr. GIF.

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