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The 2012 NFL Draft begins tonight at 8 p.m., and right now, football analysts everywhere are rocking major wood as they speculate about where different players will end up. It's a circus. And all sorts of factors are being discussed in the mad dash to ascertain a reliably predictive set of information that will give front offices insight into these young players' futures. However, as coaches, executives and scouts rifle through their notes and mark up their dry erase boards, there's one consideration that isn't being talked about enough: the humor of a prospect's name.
Outside of Dick Butkus, legendary football players don't have funny names. They have aurally pleasing names that have a smooth cadence when you pronounce them as though you were a narrator for NFL Films. Try it: Walter Payton. Johnny Unitas. Joe Montana. Peyton Manning.
There are also guys on the opposite end of the spectrum: guys whose names aren't impressively epic or don't strike fear into the the hearts of men. In fact, their names are comical. Hey, sorry, Mom, the kid may be talented, but you should have thought twice before naming him Dante Nipplechafe or Peabody Flowers. It's hard to be serious and picture your squad winning a Lombardi Trophy when you hear that. To prove our point, we've collected the seven least intimidating names ever called during the NFL Draft.
7. Jermon Bushrod (T, 2007, Round 4, New Orleans Saints)
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His name invites hearty chuckles and a fierce firestorm of genital jokes and references. Still, Jermon Bushrod successfully protected Drew Brees' blind side in the Saints' march to a Super Bowl victory in 2009.
6. Omar Easy (RB, 2002, Round 4, Kansas City Chiefs)
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Omar was EASY to tackle, as he only gained one yard on four carries during his four-year career.
5. Taco Wallace (WR, 2003, Round 7, Seattle Seahawks)
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This TACO was soft, as Wallace only lasted three years in the league.
4. Guy Whimper (T, 2006, Round 4, New York Giants)
At 6-foot-5, 300 lbs, this guy's hardly a whimper of a man.
3. DeMarcus Faggins (CB, 2002, Round 6, Houston Texans)
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Not as good at MAN coverage as his name would suggest.
2. Josh Booty (QB, 2001, Round 6, Seattle Seahawks)
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We'd bet money that someone approached him about creating a reality TV series entitled "Booty Call."
1. George Shorthose (WR, 1985, Round 6, Miami Dolphins)
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"Meat-gazing" is usually frowned upon in locker rooms, but this guy was just asking for it.
