9 Classic Toys That Actually Sucked

Americans buy a colossal amount of crap products. The success of QVC, SkyMall, eBay and Etsy proves it. However, no matter how many golf club-shaped kegs you buy, you will always be a savvier shopper than any child (even that talking E*Trade baby). That’s why toy companies are so very successful at duping them year after year. What do you expect from customers who believe in a human-sized rabbit that poops eggs and sneaks into houses in the middle of the night?

You’re thinking, “Whoa there, MTV Clutch! What gives you the right to s*** on children’s shopping choices?” We know because we are children of the ’80s and ’90s, a time period littered with incredibly flashy but ultimately crappy toys. We were duped time after time, yet never learned. The G.I. Joe hovercraft didn’t hover. The Super Soaker didn’t knock opponents off their feet. Superman underwear didn’t make you more attractive to the ladies.

While remembering the years of toy disappointment was horrible, we worked through it and have listed nine classic toys that were really disappointing at home.  To kids, they seemed awesome. To actual functioning humans, they sucked hard.

Stretch Armstrong

Basically just a contest to see who could get it to rupture and leak stretchy goo first. And yes, they’re gonna “stretch” this concept into a movie.

Micro Machines

Hey kids, want to see what a Micro Machine looks like after passing through your dog’s digestive tract? Doesn’t matter what your answer is, because it’s happening.


A racket dreamed up by some evil genius villain, no doubt.

Teddy Ruxpin

Audio books for kids with ADD, and it only required four giant DDD batteries.


There was a time when digital devices needed people to keep them alive, and not the other way around. Silly non-smartphone-having ’90s simpletons!

Styrofoam Planes

These gliders pulverized into dust as soon as they hit a stray tree limb, or the sidewalk, or a car windshield, or the softest grass, or a cloud.

Sticky Climbers

Whoa, gravity you guys! These things lasted for three trips down the wall and onto the floor, before the sticky parts became covered in pubes. Wait, why were there so many pubes on the floor?!

Pogo Balls

Our generation considered this exercise. Explains a lot.

Roller Racers

A staple in elementary school gym classes, so yeah, see above.

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