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Since MTV headquarters is located in New York City, some of us at MTV Clutch never got a chance to do a lot of the backwoods s***. Sure, we had games like Manhunt, Stoopball and Try Not To Get Your Ass Kicked At The Block Party, but those are no match for good ol’ fashioned, tobacco-spittin’, deer-huntin’ fun! It’s no surprise most of our exposure to country living was from movies, music and television, and far be it for us to not rank it all on a scale from kind to kinda creepy to full-on creepy.
(Note: It is important to separate cowboys from rednecks, hicks and hillbillies ’cause cowboys are neither kind or creepy–they’re just good ol’ fashioned Americans with the soul of a robot. We did not include any horror flick characters, either, ’cause it’s too obvious. You don’t like it? Tell it on the mountain, boy!)
1. Hillbilly Jim
One of our favorite professional wrestling moments is watching this shaggy bearded dude wearing overalls dance around the ring. The song he came out to kept telling us not to mess with a country boy, but this Hillbilly Jim fella seemed pretty cool. Why would we want to tangle with him? HBJ seems like the kind of guy who not only offers his homemade moonshine, but helps clean up the puke when the jug is done.
2. Joe Dirt
There’s a bit of Joe Dirt in all of us–innocent, good-natured, unashamed of listening to music that is now featured on infomercials at 2 a.m. Maybe he’s not the smartest guy in the world, but with a mullet like that how could you not feel for the guy? We’d be happy to rock out to Foghat with Joe Dirt.
3. Ricky Bobby
Credit: Sony Pictures
We weren’t quite sure what to make of Ricky Bobby at first. He seemed like the prick you don’t want to talk to at a BBQ. Then we realized this dude isn’t bad, he’s just an uppity redneck who needs to be humbled. He might not be as cool as Hillbilly Jim or Joe Dirt, but he learned his lessons: never take things for granted and always face your fears. We wish he learned that tighty-whities are nastier than wet kitty litter, but two out of three isn’t bad.
4. ‘The Dukes Of Hazzard’
Credit: The Original Rage
Bo and Luke are good ol’ country boys in Georgia, but the creepiness seeps in when you notice they never change their clothes and love sliding across the hood of a car a bit too much. Not to mention, a smokin’ hot cousin who doesn’t help destroy the stereotype that guys down South, well, y’know…
Credit: Columbia Pictures
First of all, the guy’s name is Talla-freaking-hassee! He’s the guy you’re glad to have on your team if your smashing banjos into zombies’ heads. You might want to keep a stash of Twinkies nearby to make him happy, though. He’s got a menacing glare and thirst for power that forces you to never turn your back on him.
6. Ted Nugent
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The very definition of a gun-toting, red meat-eating hick! The Nuge is a one-of-a-kind type of rock star based on his ability to shred a guitar solo then retreat to his backyard where he skins boars and mangles things with his chainsaw (his leg, for example). We put him toward the creepier side of the spectrum based on his manic cackle and a ridiculously suspect amount of energy.
7. The Captain–“Cool Hand Luke”
Credit: Warner Bros.
There is nothing settling about a prison. A lot of people might not know The Captain, but they know the line, “What we’ve got here is…failure to communicate.” Say no more, Cap! His voice alone is enough to make us wish we had a safe, warm place to crawl in and hide. Couple that with a Southern drawl where you can almost feel the spit dribbling out of his mouth. Freakin’ creepy.
8. Lt. Aldo Raine–“Inglourious Basterds”
Credit: Universal Pictures
It’s motherf***ers like this who make you wonder if nightmares can come true. This is a dude who felt that pride wasn’t enough when putting a Nazi out of its misery. Aldo thought it was best to scalp them and make a game of it with his platoon. Hailing from Tennessee, Aldo is the kind of hillbilly who loves to make a point. The ones he lets live get a nice going-away present in the form of a swastika carved right into their forehead.
9. Mountain Dudes–“Deliverance”
Credit: Warner Bros.
You may have heard about this movie, but unless you watch it you’ll never understand the seeing-your-grandmother-naked level of feeling disturbed. The creeps get going right away with a banjo-playing kid who reminds us of a second-grader that craps in his hand and smudges it on the teacher. Next thing you know, one wrong turn leads to a pig-squealing butt rape by a couple of guys with a set of chompers that would make a dentist vomit. These are the creepiest rednecks of all mankind. Now squeal like a pig!