RG Daniels is not a professional food critic. He represents the everyman. And since he’s a standup comic in New York City, he’ll eat just about anything we buy him. Want RG to eat something? Send suggestions to @RGDaniels or @MTVClutch.
Back in the Old West they used to do a thing called “F***in’ S*** Up” (not a technical term, by the way). Men rode along the frontier looking to kick a little ass, get their hands dirty and live to see another day. Legend has it some outlaws crossed paths with a buncha South American banditos and instead of trading bullets they traded dried meat. Yeah, that’s right…beef jerky.
Fast forward through Jesse James and Billy the Kid and here we are today, still enjoying that tasty snack. The beef jerky market is raging. Luckily, it’s me, RG, here to help you out. Check out these popular beef jerky brand reviews and thank me later.
Jack Link’s Premium Cuts Teriyaki Beef Jerky
As soon as I popped in a few shards of Jack Link’s, I felt Hurricane Teriyaki slam my taste buds. No retreat, no surrender. This is a good jerky for a quick fix, but I’m no bug-eyed junkie. Tasty? Yes. It even chews well, like it was just removed from the smokehouse. BUT…I checked out the ingredients and there’s at least three things even a spelling bee champion couldn’t pronounce. “Sodium erythorbate””anyone? If I wanted to pound my body with chemicals I’d use RAID as deodorant. Tough luck, Jack. You make a fine snack. The flavor is perfect, but thanks to you I gotta worry about my sperm count in five years.
Final verdict: 2.5 John Waynes out of 5
Slim Jim Snack Stick
Rumor has it, if you’re caught eating a Slim Jim Snack Stick in Montana the law states your teeth must be knocked out. I can’t confirm this, but I can confirm that Slim Jims are not beef jerky. Even they know that. The food chain of leftover animal guts mashed into a casing goes like this: 1. Hot dogs 2. Bologna 3. Lindsay Lohan 4. Slim Jims. Regardless, it is found in the aisle with the beef jerky, therefore must be included.
First off, this thing looks like an anorexic Lincoln Log. There is a thin coating of shiny grease that might be the same stuff they use on your tires at the car wash. There are all sorts of black dots, which are supposed to be spices, I guess. They do provide a fiery kick, whatever they are. I enjoy spicy, but I’m not sure if I am tasting flavor or my mouth is committing suicide. After a few chews I’m starting to regret plunking down 25 cents for this mouthful of quicksand. This is not a snack. This is karmic revenge from one of my exes.
Final verdict: 1 John Wayne (for the low-price) out of 5
When I first opened the bag of Perky Jerky, it smelled like a walrus died in my attic. I was very nervous. However, I checked out the beef and it looks pretty legit. Plus, I’m a big fan of the name since it reminds me of a porno flick. Quick warning: on the back of the package, it states Perky Jerky is for people with active lifestyles. That means you can’t eat this in your La-Z-Boy while guzzling Mountain Dew.
I tear off a piece and pop it in. Right away I taste a smooth blend of soy sauce, brown sugar and black pepper. My taste buds are so amped they start a mosh pit. There is even a hint of lemon in the aftertaste. This must be too good to be true, but I check out the ingredients and I see nothing out of the ordinary. Tons of organic stuff for all you hippies and fitness jerks. I’m starting to feel a bit of the kick, too. I might start grinding this stuff up in my coffee. The only reason I can think to pass up this snack is its slogan: Grab a Jerk and Go! Other than that, solid product.
Final verdict: 4.5 John Waynes out of 5