Long ago, a group of prominent individuals took it upon themselves to police those who thought they were above society. The perpetrators had gone too far. They were gaudy. Showy. Dirty rich beyond belief. Flaunted the fact that rules simply didn’t apply to them. From 1487 to 1641, the Star Chamber became England’s enforcement agency against the nobility, busting crowned heads and making sure that the courts’ punishments were carried out.
For hundreds of years, America had run without its own Star Chamber until Ashton Kutcher took it upon himself to create “Punk’d” in 2003 and righted social order. Unfortunately, American society has gone without the show for more than four years. Our system of celebrity checks and balances is off. We need street justice for those who only walk on streets covered with red carpet.
Thankfully on March 12, “Punk’d” returns! This time, the Kutch won’t be running the day-to-day. A new generation of celebs have been recruited to keep their peers in line. And to get them started, we’ve selected 10 celebs in need of the Star Chamber treatment.
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The Reason: Every “Jersey Shore” hot tub scene (even the ones he’s not in).
The Method: Invite him to roast Donald Trump, but don’t give him any funny jokes. Tell him not to practice and just to wing it. Don’t warm up the crowd. Wait…never mind.
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The Reason: We love her and the reveal will probably make her do a lot of jumping.
The Method: Bring her into the studio and tell her “Modern Family” is doing a crossover special with “Last Man Standing.”
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The Reason: For cutting off his arm in “127 Hours” and tricking us into squirming through the footage.
The Method: Convince him the ghosts of James Dean and Allen Ginsberg are pissed about his portrayals of them, so they’re haunting him by having sex all over his mansion.
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The Reason: We know she definitely, for just this sort of occasion, has some sort of Inspector Gadget glove that fires exploding Swedish Fish and we want to see it.
The Method: Tell her somebody messed up her shipment of bedazzled hummingbird feet.
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The Reason: He’s basically Lex Luther mixed with the voices in Rick Perry’s head.
The Method: Drug him, and then bring him to his former New York penthouse. Have the Dec. 9, 2008 New York Times on the table, show him news about the Cavaliers’ big win the night before and tell him it was all a horrible dream! After he gets really excited, give him a wedgie and throw him back in jail.
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The Reason: “Man on Fire,” “John Q,” “Training Day,” “The Bone Collector,” “Antwone Fisher,” “American Gangster,” “Unstoppable”…. Hell, even “Remember the Titans.”
The Method: Ask to borrow a pen or something.
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The Reason: You know why.
The Method: The Kutch himself will prove a tough foe. The Most Dangerous Game, if you will. The trick is the never-before-used “re-Punk’d.” The original punking has to involve somebody so famous that Ashton comes out of hiding to rub it in. We’re talking, at the absolute minimum, Ben Affleck. And when he does that run-outside-with-the-camera-tracking-him thing, have Demi Moore blast him with a giant bottle of whipped cream.
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The Reason: The Kardashian girls are too easy. Let’s get the brains behind the operation.
The Method: To get the queen bee, you gotta go after the nest. Bruce Jenner can be bribed with a bucket of tanning oil and Sunny Delight, so he’ll be on board for a good ol’ fake arrest storyline. Possible subplot: Kris divorces him the moment the cops show up and becomes a throw-in for whoever buys the Dodgers.