10 Reasons The Mayans Might Be Right About 2012

We’re less than two weeks into 2012, but it’s already clear the next 12 months will bring cultural carnage: Marketers will call the shots, villains will be celebrities and originality might be brained for good by a firing squad. And, oh yeah, it’s a presidential election year (see: marketers).

With so much unrelenting crap on the horizon, it seems the Mayan calendar may just be right about the apocalypse this year. We present to you the evidence: 10 reasons it might be the end of the world as we know it in 2012.

Kardashian Barbies and a magazine are coming soon

Credit: Getty Images

The Kardashian Bratz Barbies will be the first dolls in history to look LESS dead-behind-the-eyes than the humans they’re modeled after.

Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian and Zooey Deschanel are single


Credit: Getty Images

On the surface, this sounds good because you can make that joke about, “Oh, sweet, now I have a shot!” But in reality, all this means is that you will involuntarily know the intricate details of this gaggle’s relationships. You won’t be able to remember your mother’s birthday, but you’ll know which pro athlete Kim is ruining. You won’t WANT to waste brain space on the name of Katy Perry‘s Grammy date, but you have no choice. The heart wants what it wants, and the brain knows what TMZ knows. You could be holed up in an Iranian prison, but you will be acutely aware of each of these ladies’ love lives. The vacuous details seep into the air like so much L.A. smog.

Bane’s voice in “The Dark Knight Rises”


Courtesy of Warner Bros.

Turns out it’s a talking butt-hole, but sounds NOTHING like Ace Ventura’s impression.

“Les Miserables” starring Taylor Swift


Credit: Getty Images

If there’s one thing the classic French Revolution tale needs, it’s more glitter and mouth-agape, eye-batting twee bulls***. From the Huffington Post: “Swift’s acting has largely been confined to music videos, a part in ‘Valentine’s Day,’ a guest spot on ‘CSI’ and upcoming voice acting in ‘The Lorax.’” So they just gave the female lead to the Matt Leinart of acting. Slow clap.

The most horrible upcoming movies slate in recent memory

Movies that are actually happening this year: “Step Up 4,” “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance,” “Scary Movie 5,” “Ouija,” “Battleship” (yes, TWO board game movies), “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”…

“Work It”


Courtesy of ABC

ABC’s cross-dressing “comedy” follows two men struggling in this economy, so they decide it would be easier to get jobs if they pretend to be women. “Hilarity ensues!” exclaimed the man stepping out of a time machine from 1981 as he pitched the idea. Think of how many layers of executives this concept had to go through, how many “important” suits had to sign off on this stale turd. It’s an affront to anyone trying to break into TV.

Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” with Andy Cohen, now 5 nights a week


Credit: Getty Images

Speaking of stale turds: Andy Cohen, ladies and gents. Here’s a concept that only needed the approval of ONE exec: Cohen. As Bravo’s VP of programming, the man once described as “a human-shaped pile of duh” gave himself a show. Then he said, “Ya know what, America needs MORE of me. Hey Bravo, let’s get that Andy Cohen guy on every night of the week. OK, Andy, great idea, I’ll tell Andy post haste. Andy, guess what, the VP of programming is promoting you. Oh, wait, that’s me. Duh!”

New Garbage album


Credit: Getty Images

Suggested album titles: 99% Post-Consumer Waste. Back From The Landfill. Re-Disposed. Not Another Man’s Treasure. Just throw the lead single onto the next Adam Sandler trailer and be done with it.

Presidential election


Credit: Getty Images

And it’s not the fun early stages where you rag on clueless longshots who deep-throat corn dogs to seem “relatable.”  We’re nearing the hard-core, everyone-talks-about-it-with-a-forehead-vein-popping-out phase. Pro tip: to prevent bleeding from the ears, steer clear of indie coffee shops and Bass Pro Shops.

The Jerry Sandusky trial


Credit: Mark Wilson/Getty Images

Expected for mid-year, this is just…geez, this is gonna get ugly. It’s already a three-ring circus, with nauseating charges, even more nauseating phone-interview denials, beat reporters partying with Sandusky’s attorney before getting DUI’s, spin doctors spinning and even Oprah’s name getting thrown into the mix. When the ground splits open this year and we gaze into the depths of Hell, at least it won’t be worse than this mess.

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