7 Reasons We Need This Van Halen Reunion

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Van Halen is officially back. The ’80s legends played Thursday night in New York’s tiny 250-capacity Cafe Wha? to officially launch the reunion, with a nationwide tour beginning after their new album is released next month. And it can’t come soon enough. Van Halen have logged more shirtless arena hours than anyone, and they’re just the kind of guitar-shredding, drug-addled veterans that can resuscitate hard rock. You may think the world has moved on from DLR, EVH and the boys, but here are seven reasons the world needs this Van Halen reunion.

Because we don’t have an aloof, flamboyant megastar rocker

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Today’s rock stars are basically relatable, which may be good for presidential candidates, but is complete bulls*** when it comes to rocking. Bono‘s boring and charitable, Chris Martin is a family man, Axl Rose is a fat ass. David Lee Roth is our only hope. That high-pitched yelp, the complete lack of self-awareness (in a promising sign, at Thursday’s show he rambled about Lady Gaga and working as a medic), the constant grin…guy’s the total package.

Because no band hams it up like these guys

In this era of shameless self-promotion, there is no band that’s a better fit. Look at the outfits. Look how many of them are shirtless. Look at Roth’s high-kicks and the giant flaming gong onstage! And of course, there’s Eddie making pro-wrestling faces during his solos to goad the audience. These dudes are performers, first and foremost, something rock music lacks these days. The 3:18 mark of this video is rock and roll boiled down to its very essence: a noodling solo and a spandex-clad dude thrusting his bulge.

Because the world needs a guitar hero

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Jack White retired the band that showcased his guitar work. Dan Auerbach of The Black Keys is now more interested in glammed-out fuzz than furious riffage. John Mayer has the chops, but he’s a huge p****. Enter Eddie Van Halen, who makes his guitar sound like some crazed mecha-animal.

Because Journey must be stopped

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At first, it was fun to hear Journey‘s hits blasted at every frat house and bar….then it was endearing when they hired a Filipino no-name with a voice eerily similar to Steve Perry’s. And then…”Glee” happened, and Journey reached Katy Perry-levels of overplay. Believe it or not, children, but there WERE other bands in the ’80s.

Because former bassist Michael Anthony looks like Charlie Day

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And this must lead to the “Always Sunny” actor starring in a Van Halen sketch on “SNL.”

Because hipsters need a new look

Where’s Waldo? socks–it’s the only logical next step for male hipster fashion.

Because the inevitable falling-out will be spectacular

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Britain has the Brothers Gallagher, and we have Van Halen. The fact that Eddie’s son is now in the band just guarantees that this will all go down like the Hindenburg in about a year.

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