Credit: Russell Cheyne/Getty Images – Snopes.com
The Charlotte Observer absentmindedly reported that Knicks point guard Baron Davis is sidelined due to a herniated d***. Not quite–he has a herniated disc, but the report probably caused a lot of men to grab their genitals, clench their teeth or feel a tinge of pain from the thought before laughing at the typo.
Baron Davis shrugged it off on Twitter: “Thanks Charlotte Observer for announcing my new injury. Still able to workout with it. Lol.” But some horrific man injuries are legit, the kind that when they happen (or get reported) makes a guy think, “Damn, at least I don’t have a broken d***.” Read about the worst “man traumas” athletes have suffered and immediately feel grateful that it didn’t happen to you.
Wayne Shelford–torn scrotum
Credit: Russell Cheyne/Getty Images
It happened during a brutal rugby match between Shelford’s All Blacks squad and France’s Les Bleus in 1986. Shelford became stuck at the bottom of a “rather aggressive ruck” when a French player’s spikes somehow reached Shelford’s groin and ripped his scrotum, leaving one testicle hanging free. But the most incredible part is, Shelford simply told a doctor to stitch him up and he returned to the game! Apparently, he has balls of flesh AND steel.
Virgil Livers–exploded testicle
ESPN called former Bears cornerback Virgil Livers “the Joe Theismann of testicle trauma.” That has to be the least desirable title in sports…just worse than director of Tampa Bay Rays season ticket sales. The Godfather of ball trauma deserves a full paragraph:
In 1976, Livers was blocking on a punt return against the Raiders when he took a knee to the groin. He wasn’t wearing a cup, and the force of the impact caused his right testicle to explode on contact. Somehow, Livers went back out for the next defensive series, until the swelling in his scrotum began obstructing his stride. Trainers called for an X-ray; on film, Livers’ testicle looked like a shattered light bulb. He was immediately sent to the hospital for surgery — and drove himself. Before putting him under, the surgeon told Livers not to worry, that there was a reason most vital organs come in sets of two. Livers recovered, fathered two kids and went on to play five more seasons with the Bears and the Chicago Blitz of the USFL, wearing a cup for only a short time after his injury.
Sami Salo–nearly ruptured testicle
During the NHL playoffs in 2010, the Vancouver Canucks defenseman took a slap shot to the gonads that sent him to the hospital. Within hours, ESPN wrote, fans “had created a Facebook page in honor of his ruptured testicle, including inspirational messages such as ‘Hang in there, buddy’ and encouraging chants of ‘BALLS OF STEEL’ upon Salo’s return to the ice, just two days later.” (Shout out to Nicklas Lidstrom who actually suffered a more severe injury that required surgery. But his nut didn’t have a Facebook page so Solo got the spot.)
Adrian Beltre–torn testicle
Credit: Rob Carr/Getty Images
Playing third base for the Seattle Mariners at the time, Adrian Beltre, who wasn’t wearing a cup (at third base!!!) took a hot shot to the nuts. “When I look down, after the game, it wasn’t a pretty sight,” Beltre said. “My testicle got the size of a grapefruit. Thank God it didn’t really damage anything. It took me two weeks. It was a tear. A lot of blood inside, but it didn’t damage anything. Everything is OK.” Teammate Ken Griffey Jr. welcomed Beltre back from the disabled list by having the PA play “The Nutcracker Suite” before his first at-bat.
Unidentified football player–fractured penis
“Grey’s Anatomy” featured an episode where a patient suffered a penile fracture. That sent men feverishly searching for information about the injury, which is completely legit. ABC News addressed the shocking (and incredibly painful) affliction by introducing a urologist who explained the dynamics of wanker injuries. He said, “The penis needs to be rigid. If it’s flaccid, you cannot have a penile fracture…. The penis will become deformed; it actually looks kind of grotesque.” He described the shape of a fractured penis as a “boomerang.” Now, we have no idea why the football player he treated was erect. Nevertheless, “He had an erection during the play and was hit in the genitals by another player’s helmet and, believe it or not, fractured his penis.”
Patrick Thoreson–slap shot to the groin
The above video tells you everything you need to know about this horrible injury. Incredibly, Thoreson did not suffer a ruptured testicle, just immense pain and mental torture.
Chris Whelpdale–split scrotum
Credit: Christopher Lee/Getty Images
Gillingham winger Chris Whelpdale suffered this nightmare when an opposing player slide-tackled him. The team’s manager told the press: “[Whelpdale] is probably going to have five stitches in his testicles, believe it or not. It’s ripped his testicles open. It’s absolutely disgusting, it was a shocking challenge for me and worthy of a red card.”