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The race for the next Republican candidate officially starts today as the Iowa caucus takes off, which means it’s time to start asking the serious questions. Some people say we’ve had a year of straight crazy from the GOP party, but really it’s just been straight crazy entertainment. Meltdowns, lawsuits, mind-blowing forgetfulness and full-on right wing swagger.
We all know Barack Obama has dozens of hip-hop playlists on his iPod, and that swagger of his is so youthful it attracts those youthful votes. The Republican candidates are going to have to one up him to grab that young demo. How do they do that? Let’s get real (by real, we mean completely, 100 percent just for kicks) and see what the candidates would look like if they went straight gangsta and became hip-hop stars. What would their names be? What would be their first single? Like we said, the important questions.
Mitt Romney aka A$AP Romney
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Club Banger: “Squeaky Clean”
Ron Paul aka Ol’ Paulron
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Club Banger: “Always In Ya’ Face”
Why: Ron Paul aka Ol’ Paulron is never at a loss for words, and doesn’t hesitate to get all up in your business and go freestyle on you.
Rick Santorum aka Big R.I.C.K.
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Club Banger: “Sneak Attack”
Why: Rick Santorum aka Big R.I.C.K. has made a late surge in an attempt to take the Iowa caucus and sneak out as the main man.
Michele Bachmann aka Lil’ Crazy Eyes
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Club Banger: “Gimme That Money (No Seriously, I Need Your Money)”
Why: Michele Bachmann aka Lil’ Crazy Eyes is jacking everyone she can to keep her campaign funds wet and keeps telling anyone who will listen that she’s still in this thing. (She’s not.)
Rick Perry aka Lil’ Crazy
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Club Banger: “Never Forget”
Why: We will never forget Rick Perry aka Lil’ Crazy’s forgetfulness, anti-gay ad campaign and overall deer-in-the-headlights look.
Newt Gingrich aka Newton the Oomp
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Club Banger: “Stubborn Sensibilities”
Why: Newt Gingrich aka Newton the Oomp doesn’t care what you have to say, what you think, or understand when the fight is over.