NFL Pro Bowl Advanced Superlatives

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It’s Pro Bowl time! The rosters are out and as always, there’s some snubs (Aaron Hernandez) and some surprises, one of them put best by Les Bowen of the Philadelphia Daily News: “I have to say this one more time before I go to bed: 49ers have more Pro Bowlers (8) than the entire NFC East (7). Not how I saw it in Aug.”

A surprise last year: even Bill Belichick mustered a smile at the Pro Bowl. Here’s how we’re handicapping the events at this year’s most meaningless but still entertaining contest, superlatives style:

+ Most likely to gain 20 pounds of Mai Tai weight: Sebastian Janikowski (Raiders)

+ Most likely to have a small, uninhabited island named after him: Darrelle Revis (Jets)

+ Most likely to join Jared Allen for an afternoon of spearfishing: Joe Thomas (Browns)

+ Most likely to be photographed with a porn star wearing his jersey but not sleep with her: Rob Gronkoswki (Patriots)

+ Most likely linemen to have the same names as porn stars: Nick Mangold (Jets) and Jermon Bushrod (Saints)

+ Non-kicker most likely to be mistaken for a random schmo: Eric Weddle (Chargers)

+ Least likely to be mistaken for a random schmo: B.J. Raji (Packers)

+ Most likely to give a profoundly boring interview using the word “fun” at least six times: Eli Manning (Giants)

+ Most likely to get arrested for something crazy: Brandon Marshall (Dolphins)

+ Most likely to bail him out at 3 a.m.: Troy Polamalu (Steelers)

+ Most likely to get a ferocious farmer’s tan: Joe Staley (49ers)

+ Most likely to have an undisclosed injury that forces him to stay home: Tom Brady (Patriots)