In which we rank some of our favorite pop-culture mainstays on their ability to survive a zombie apocalypse. Because, why not?
In the process of popping a squat and pinching off a steamy deuce all over the sanctity of marriage, porn star Kim Kardashian somehow managed to make Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears and Dennis Rodman look like stalwart defenders of the eternal bonds of love. That can only mean one thing: The apocalypse is here, and the dead are rising.
This is the one we’ve all been waiting for, folks. The Kardashians waging battle and meeting their demise at the rotting hands of zombies. The three K daughters already have that dead-behind-the-eyes look, so their zombification will be a smooth transition, regardless of the order in which they succumb to the virus. Read on to find out where each member of the Kardashian Klan falls in our rankings.
8. Rob Kardashian
Agility: ?/5–Who is Rob, again?
Strength: ?/5–Is he the adopted one?
Creativity: ?/5–Wait, is Rob their dog?
Willingness To Get Dirty: ?/5–You’re SURE he’s a real person?
Killer Instinct: 5/5–If a world of people only knows about you because they watch your sister having sex with a D-list rapper, we bet you’re itching to cut a fool.
The score here is irrelevant because we’re not entirely sure this person exists. For all we know, he’s a zombie already.
7. Kourtney Kardashian
Agility: 4/5–Kourtney is tiny, so she can fit into various hiding spots, such as Kim’s ass.
Strength: 0/5–Again, she’s zombie bite-sized.
Creativity: 2/5–Her son’s middle name is “Dash.” Like “Kardashian,” but easier for Kourtney to spell.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 3/5–The only one of the sisters who’s given birth. Meaning she’s the only one who’s experienced discomfort.
Killer Instinct: 0/5–She’s the oldest sister and least famous. Zombies will feast off that kind of complacency.
Kourtney’s prospects aren’t looking good in the event of a zombie epidemic. But she can take solace knowing their chances for survival will be prolonged since brains are zombies’ preferred snack (The Snooki Corollary).
6. Bruce Jenner
Agility: 2/5–Bruce Jenner was a gold medal-winning, world record-setting decathlete in 1976. You know who wasn’t? The old lesbian purporting to be Bruce Jenner today.
Strength: 2/5–See above.
Creativity: 5/5–His website boldly states “Bruce Jenner is the world’s greatest athlete.” Only a creative genius could conceive of such a fantastical sentence.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 5/5–Dirt is THE domain of doormats.
Killer Instinct: 0/5–If “Being Hen-Pecked On National TV” were an Olympic event, Jenner would soon be adding another gold medal to his trophy case.
Watching Bruce transform into a zombie won’t be as brutal as it was watching him go from world-class Olympian to emasculated lump of Botox and sadness.
5. Kris Humphries
Agility: 4/5–Supposedly Kris Humphries is a professional basketball player…. Are the Nets really an NBA team?
Strength: 5/5–Dude’s a house.
Creativity: 1/5–Buying a $2 million engagement ring for the woman who publicly domed Ray J is a lot of things, but “creative” isn’t one of them.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 3/5–What’s a little zombie slime after you’ve spent a year crawling through the “Shawshank” sewage pipe that is the Kardashian media empire?
Killer Instinct: 2/5–If he’s upset over a sham marriage, how’s he going to hold up when the world is on fire?
Poor guy’s good as dead. Kris Humphries? Won’t see him no more.
4. Khloe Kardashian
Agility: 0/5–Walkers craving marbled beef will have a field day.
Strength: 5/5–She’s a brick…House. In case that wasn’t clear from the first category.
Creativity: 2/5–Really? This needs an explanation?
Killer Instinct: 5/5–She made a rape joke.
You know that movie trope when a man-eating beast is chasing a guy, and then the guy pulls out a twig, and the beast cowers and runs away, and the guy smirks because he thinks HE scared it away, but actually there’s a more terrifying monster behind the guy and THAT scared away the first creature? Khloe’s best hope is that she’ll be the monster that scares away other monsters.
3. Kris Jenner
Agility: 1/5–Kris Jenner‘s neck may be four months old, but the rest of her body is 672 months old.
Strength: 3.5/5–Back in the day, she made workout videos.
Creativity: 3/5–She named all the kids with a K, but then apparently ran out of “K” ideas after three (sorry, Rob, your mom never heard of “Ken”). And, let’s see, the title of her book is…her NAME. Not very kreative. She did coin the term “mom-ager” though.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 5/5–She gleefully used her daughter’s homemade porno as a jumping off point to build a family empire.
Killer Instinct: 5/5–She was good friends with O.J. Simpson.
Without the ability to leech off her daughters and her husband’s past glories, this power-hungry succubus will become nothing more than a shrill vessel for spreading the zombie virus.
2. Kim Kardashian
Agility: 5/5–NBA analyst time: “When you watch the tape on this player, it’s clear she has all the tools. She can play at any position, and isn’t afraid of taking it hard to the hole, even when it’s clear she’ll get pounded. She’s always quick to box out and has superb ball skills, able to lead with either hand…” We could keep going all day with this.
Strength: 4/5–Strong glutes mean optimum undead skull stompage. The Nicki Minaj Corollary.
Creativity: 1/5–She’ll be too superficial to use that giant rock on her finger as trade bait for better zombie-killing weapons.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 5/5–Doing a sex tape is a 4. Doing one with Ray J is a 5.
Killer Instinct: 5/5–If she kills zombies like she kills athletes’ careers, then she may just save the human race.
That ass was built to last, even in a zombie wasteland. Sorry, world.
1. Lamar Odom
Agility: 5/5–Defenders struggle with his combination of size and agility. Zombies will, too.
Strength: 5/5–He carried his new bride Khloe through the door.
Creativity: 4/5–Convinced himself the Power Balance bracelet helped him win a title.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 5/5–See “Strength” rating.
Killer Instinct: 4/5–Probably picked up a thing or two from Kobe in this category.
When it comes to outlasting zombies, an NBA player like Odom is the complete package: size, speed, strength, endurance. The dealings with NBA commissioner David Stern also gave him much-needed experience with a voracious, single-minded bloodsucker.