Let’s go back to that ripe young age when you didn’t even understand the specifics of fornication, or the logistics of courting a lass. As pimply young fools, we all weren’t sure how “it” all worked, but couldn’t stop thinking about “it”…like, all the time…even more than now.
For many people reading this, that life stage took place before the Internet Revolution, aka the Great Pornsplosion. Back then, images of sexy women acting sexy in small sexy outfits were pretty scarce. There was the Victoria’s Secret catalog, but you had to intercept it in the mail before your mom got it. Thus, the most convenient option left was MTV.
With the online MTV Yearbook, we can now browse the archives for those steamy music videos that helped get us through the sexual drought known as puberty. Because of the internet, spankable music videos have become footnotes in mankind’s sexual history. And that, we cannot abide. So join us in celebrating nine videos that always got a rise out of us (and had us scrambling for the remote when our parents walked in).
Britney Spears–”I’m A Slave 4 U”
A sweaty, panting Britney Spears writhes against the wall in her cooing-est, sultriest, midsection-iest video. Boners Debates still rage as to whether she was at her peak hotness here or during her legendary 2000 VMA stripshow.
Chris Isaak–”Wicked Game”
Here was Chris Isaak‘s pitch for this video: “All right, guys, here’s the concept. We’re on a beach, me and that supermodel Helena Christensen. And she’s holding her jugs throughout the entire video. OK, well not the ENTIRE video. She obviously won’t be holding her jugs for the parts where we’re dry-humping. But don’t worry, the whole thing’ll be in black and white so it’ll look artful and real sophisticated like.”
The second “r” is for “rancid,” as in, the video looks like they shot it with a KY Jelly lens filter and on a set that smelled like Italian hoagies. But Xtina out-skeezed those factors with her chaps, peekaboo underwear and countless self-caressing pelvic gyrations.
Remember when Fiona Apple was a thing? Probably not. But, wow, she used to be a THING. Remember when you’d fantasize about being invisible so you could watch the hot girl from biology class undress when she got home? Nothing malicious like “Hollow Man,” just some harmless voyeurism. That’s what this video feels like as you watch Ms. Apple slither around in her underwear after what appears to be the greatest and/or scummiest house party ever.
Any Madonna video deserves to be on this list, but we went with this one because it has all the hallmarks of a freaky Madonna video: cone tits, lace, nudity, vigorous pelvic thrusting and seductive kitty petting. Unfortunately, it also features chiseled, glistening men working in some sort of sex factory/fight club. Yeah, this one definitely made us feel confused, and made for a nervous father when he walked in us.
Motley Crue–”Girls Girls Girls”
The setting: various strip clubs. Who but the Crue would name-drop ACTUAL strip clubs: At the Dollhouse in Ft. Lauderdale…rockin’ in Atlanta at the Tattletale. And who but the Kings of C*** Rock could manage to make a trip to the strip club look so glamorous. Man, we’ve been hanging at the wrong strip joints.
OK, this Shakira video is barely two years old, so you weren’t fumbling to change the channel when your parents walked in on this one, you were racing to minimize the window on your computer screen. Regardless, it’s a contemporary classic, and that’s final.
TLC–”Red Light Special”
Silk PJ’s, slow-mo oh-faces, footplay (and shirtless dudes in shiny bike shorts thrusting their bulges, which we’re willing to overlook) as the ladies of TLC whisper come through my door, take off my clothes and turn on the red light. When was fornicating under red lights ever a thing? Outside of prostitutes. Wait! Were TLC prostitutes?
A blonde bombshell eating cherries, wearing spandex and getting sprayed with a fire hose (imagine if you told ’60s civil rights protesters that fire hoses would represent sex in the future). As with the aforementioned Motley Crue video, there are many quick cuts of Warrant making those patently ’80s “whoa!” faces. But if you squinted they all looked like chicks.