In which we rank some of our favorite pop-culture mainstays on their ability to survive a zombie apocalypse. Because, why not?
Last week, we learned Deena would outlast her “Jersey Shore” cohorts in a zombie war. This week, as we eagerly await the next episodes of “Death Valley” and “The Walking Dead,” we’ve ranked 12 pop megastars in their ability to fight back in a zombie war. Who would survive the longest between the likes of Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Ke$ha, Beyoncé and Usher? When the undead are more ubiquitous than these stars’ hit songs, they’ll have to go from bludgeoning our eardrums to bludgeoning undead brains. Let’s see how they’d fare.
12. Taylor Swift
Agility: 3/5–She looks fairly nimble, and her last name is Swift.
Strength: 0/5–A gust of zombie breath could knock her over.
Creativity: 3/5–She’ll probably figure out an adorable attack method, like blinding zombies with glitter or something.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 0/5–C’mon, we’ve seen American Girl dolls that look less pristine.
Killer Instinct: 1/5–Zombies don’t respond to eye-batting or feigned surprise.
Swift’s wholesome twinkly-eyed shtick may be able to tear down some guys’ emotional walls, but it won’t stop the undead from voraciously tearing apart her porcelain flesh. She’s the first to go.
11. Katy Perry
Agility: 2/5–Katy Perry seems to have the stiffest moves of the current dancing divas crop.
Strength: 2/5–Despite resembling Rose McGowan in “Planet Terror” at times, we’re not buying that she’s tough.
Creativity: 3/5–We figure she’d replace the whipped cream-shooting bra with one that shoots actual bullets. She’d be like a Fembot, but with an Auto-Tuned voice.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 4/5–Husband Russell Brand is a former heroin addict, so he’s likely taught Perry a few things about scrounging.
Killer Instinct: 0/5–It’s tough to successfully transition from Candyland to Zombieland.
10. Justin Bieber
Agility: 4/5–Hindered only by the tightness of his jeans.
Strength: 0/5–He needs multiple handlers and bodyguards to fend off shrieking tween girls.
Creativity: 2.5/5–Without Usher guiding him through War Z, it’s unclear how he’d do on his own.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 4/5–Well, he’s a teenager, and teenagers go to great lengths to do various unsavory things.
Killer Instinct: 0/5–He’s Canadian.
We give Bieber three days before a herd of walkers overpowers him and turns him into ZomBieber.
(Admit it: It’s sort of hard to tell if we doctored this one)
Agility: 3/5–She’s spent years perfecting the drunken stumble. That means getting woozy from malnourishment or blood loss won’t hinder her ability to wobble past obstacles like a pro.
Strength: 3/5–It’s hard to account for the surprising strength that Jager gives people.
Creativity: 1/5–She‘d take whatever odd weapons Rihanna or Katy Perry fashioned, and then use them in a much more annoying and forgettable manner.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 5/5–Would you rather lick a zombie’s finger or Ke$ha’s?
Killer Instinct: 2/5–Hangovers really hinder a person’s will to live.
Unfortunately for Ke$ha, her score is irrelevant. Let us explain why: “Hey, is that Zombie Ke$ha creeping toward us, or just Hungover Ke$ha? I’m not sure, we should probably take her out just to be safe.”
Agility: 5/5–One thing we know about Shakira: Her hips don’t lie.
Strength: 0/5–She’s surprisingly tiny.
Creativity: 3/5–To be honest, we’ve never heard one of her albums…
Willingness To Get Dirty: 3/5–Gleefully romped around in the mud for her breakthrough video.
Killer Instinct: 4/5–She hails from the home of the Colombian Necktie.
The She-Wolf would hold her own for a while, but she can only hip-swivel her way out of so many obstacles.
Agility: 1/5–Beyoncé’s pregnant, making her a slow and enticing 2-for-1 deal for hungry walkers.
Strength: 4.5/5–Being a strong woman is sort of her thing.
Creativity: 4/5–If anyone can think of a way to get the survivors to coordinate an offensive, it’s Beyoncé, Author of Countless Singalong Anthems.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 2.5/5–We’re gonna be honest, we pulled this one out of thin air.
If she weren’t with child, she’d jump up a few spots in the rankings.
6. Chris Brown
Agility: 5/5–Chris Brown‘s career has been all about dodging and weaving out of trouble.
Strength: 5/5–We’ve all seen the shirtless rampage photos. He’s the strongest survivor on the list.
Creativity: 2/5–We took Usher‘s score, then divided it in half.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 1/5–He’s too worried about getting the star treatment to really do whatever it takes to survive.
Killer Instinct: 5/5–He may or may not be clinically insane.
Strength: 3/5–Lest we forget, her biggest song is called “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”
Willingness To Get Dirty: 5/5–She had sex with Kevin Federline…multiple times.
She may be more prepared than anyone on this list, since she’s spent more than a decade battling roving hordes of groaning, brain-dead bloodsuckers. We’re talking about paparazzi, of course.
Agility: 5/5–We can’t wait to see the dance-off between Usher and Zombie Michael Jackson.
Strength: 3/5–Yes, he’s ripped, but it’s all for show. Call us when he works his utility muscles.
Creativity: 4/5–Think of all the time spent working out new dance routines and club-thumping hits. Now all that brain power can be spent coming up with a survival strategy.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 4/5–He put his reputation on the line for a then unknown pubescent Canadian who looks like an Ellen clone. So, yeah, dude’s got balls.
Killer Instinct: 4/5
The big question: Will he spend too much time crying over the loss of The Beebz instead of covering his own ass?
Strength: 5/5–RiRi seems like the toughest chick on this list because she is: She went through military training. In Barbados.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 5/5–What she lacks in creativity, she makes up for here. Just see the lyrics to “S & M.”
Killer Instinct: 5/5–Again, this is the woman who said “chains and whips excite me.”
Agility: 3/5–That groaning you hear isn’t the zombies, it’s Madonna as she sits down.
Strength: 5/5–Those arms!
Creativity: 5/5–She was famous when others on this list were in diapers. Her longevity speaks volumes.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 3/5–Not that it matters, she’ll just pluck some young, tan Adonis type to do all the hard stuff for her.
Killer Instinct: 5/5–She may be a coddled celebrity, but she still knows how to go for the jugular. Just ask the fan who gave her those hydrangeas.
Though it’s becoming harder and harder to tell if she’s actually a zombie at this point, we think she’ll do just fine. She’s traveled to various Third World countries, so she knows how to rough it–or at least LOOK like she’s roughing it.
1. Lady Gaga
Agility: 4/5–Hindered only by the height of her heels.
Strength: 4/5–Judging by her outfits, Lady Gaga has a fairly high tolerance for pain. And may enjoy it.
Creativity: 5/5–She fancies herself as a monster and thus will think like one.
Willingness To Get Dirty: 5/5–She’d be the most committed to survival aesthetic, including slathering herself in zombie viscera in order to camouflage her human scent from the undead. And if it looks avant-garde, even better.
Killer Instinct: 5/5–Anti-bullying, pro-zombie-killing.
As close to “the total package” as a pop star can be in a zombie invasion. Her downfall, though, is that she’d spend too much time trying out tactics Madonna already used.