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We know you don't have the time nor the energy to actually read an entire blog post, let alone an entire book, which is why we gave you the TL;DR one-line summaries of the classics. But reading is merely the first casualty in the war for our internet-poisoned minds. Listening is sure to be next. Seriously, when's the last time you played a song all the way through without hitting skip? The ADHD era doesn't bode well for rap music, because it's the wordiest of musical genres. Who has the time for all those redundant boasts and crime-riddled passion plays? Europeans, maybe. This is America! We're busy making things and bringing our lunch pails to work and talking about Wrangler jeans.
However, a short attention span and a hectic schedule shouldn't deprive you of rap music's long list of eccentric tales. So, we've boiled some of rap's biggest hits down to nice, digestible little haikus. We always knew fourth grade writing class would come in handy.
2Pac--"Hit 'Em Up"
Friend, you betrayed me.
So I had sex with your wife.
How's that taste, fatso?
Beastie Boys--"Fight For Your Right"
The right to party,
One must not relinquish it.
Same goes for porno.
Das Racist--"Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell"
When locating friends,
Combination restaurants
Can be confusing.
Eminem--"Slim Shady"
You may not know me,
But my name is Slim Shady.
My words are rapey.
Jay-Z--"99 Problems"
So many stresses.
My problems are multitude,
But they are not her.
Kanye West--"Runaway"
I talk a big game,
Break up more than Seinfeld did.
This makes me depressed.
Kreayshawn--"Gucci Gucci"
No Gucci, Fendi,
Louis or Prada for me.
I'm no basic bitch.
Nas--"Life's a Bitch"
Life, it can be cruel.
Death, the only sweet release.
So why not indulge?
Notorious B.I.G.--"Juicy"
I used to be poor.
If you don't know, now you know,
I got a chauffeur.
Snoop Dogg--"What's My Name?"
This is my breakout.
Bow wow wow is what I say,
But I am no mutt.
Warren G--"Regulate"
Next time I go out
To consume skirts for the eve,
Nate Dogg will join me.
Wu-Tang Clan--"C.R.E.A.M."
When I was a hood,
The dollar bill ruled it all.
Some things never change.
