In honor of MTV‘s new horror mockumentary “Death Valley,” we asked Captain Frank Dashall (Bryan Callen) what movies scare the crap out of him. Dashall is head of the “Undead Task Force” responsible for ridding the San Fernando Valley of vampires, werewolves, zombies and . . . rats?
“That wasn’t just any ordinary rat, that was a roof rat,” says Callen in Dashall’s defense. “That thing came at my neck. If you watch the tape slowly you’ll see, it went for my jugular. I just did a little tuck and clutch, and I got him in the end.”
For the record, Callen isn’t much into the gory stuff offered by many horror movies. He’s more scared by the creepy stuff, the details that don’t make sense. So don’t expect to see “Saw” on his list.
“That crazy gore — we’re genetically programmed, I think, as human beings to get used to that pretty quick,” he says. “What you never get used to is the sh** that’s just weird, man.”
Even so, if “Death Valley” gets renewed, Callen says Dashall will be more involved in the gore.
“Next year, if we come back, I can promise you, guess what I’m using to kill zombies?” he says. “A f***ing shotgun. A twelve-gage, sawed off with an ammo drum. And it’\’s going to be loaded with double-ought, not just buckshot.”
And with that, here are the 12 movies that really scare the crap out of Bryan Callen.
1. “The Exorcist”
A prime example of what scares Callen – the girl walking backwards down the stairs. “When “The Exorcist” first came out, it was so shocking that they started putting ambulances outside of the movie theaters,” he says.
2/3. “The Omen” and “The Omen II” –Tie
Callen can’t pick a favorite from these two, but finds the moment when Damien’s nanny hangs herself, yelling, “This is for you, Damien!” as the creepiest moment. He also doesn’t know of anyone who would actually be able to fight the devil, especially him. “I’m not that good of a guy,” he says. “I’ve sinned a lot. That really worries me.”
4. “The Shining”
Twins on bicycles and bleeding elevators put this one on the list. “Those little kids and the blood?” says Callen. “Forget it.”
5/6. “Rosemary’s Baby” and “Carrie” –Tie
Another pair Callen cannot choose between. He names the scenes where Carrie is covered with pig’s blood, and the coven tiptoeing around Rosemary’s apartment as his creepiest moments. “Stop tiptoeing like that!” he yells. “It’s not a cartoon. Weird. Freaky.”
Michael Myers is Callen’s draw here. “That guy was relentless,” he says. “He was the boogeyman. He wasn’t just a crazy guy, he was the boogeyman.”
8. “Angel Heart”
A surprise entry, but a scary movie nonetheless — mostly due to the setting. “You’d see these elevators and these fans and then you’d see these nuns sitting down and then they just turn and look at the same time. Just creepy,” says Callen.
9/10. “Friday the 13th” and “Nightmare On Elm Street” –Tie
This is Callen’s nod to blood and guts horror. “”Friday the 13th” was probably the scariest gory movie,” he says.
11. “Paranormal Activity”
“It’s so much about what you don’t see,” says Callen. “I would have behaved exactly like that guy would have. Exactly. Because I don’t believe in ghosts. And by the way, that demonologist sucked. He was not helpful.”
12. “Twilight Zone: The Movie”
The vignette with John Lithgow, a remake of the original “Nightmare at 2,000 Feet” with William Shatner, solidified “Twilight Zone” as Callen’s final pick. “You remember John Lithgow on that airplane flipping out?” says Callen. “He was so good.”