Ozzy Osbourne and Angus Young have been worshipped as heavy-metal gods for decades. They’re seen as deities put upon earth to give long-haired chubby men something to obsess over. And despite their seemingly divine abilities, we know that they are in fact human. Though we’re used to hearing them melt brains like Lucifer himself, we know they’re not always like that. Sometimes they drink coffee and read the paper; sometimes they play basketball with their kids; and sometimes they dress like your dad. It’s depressing, to be sure, but it’s also the truth–metal gods are just dorky old dudes, and here are the photos to prove it.
Heavy-metal cred: Lead singer of Iron Maiden; expelled from school at the age of 16 for urinating in head master’s dinner.
Dad-like qualities: Nothing is more “dad” than dressing like every dorky dad’s favorite denim-loving late night host Jay Leno.
David Lee Roth
Heavy-metal cred: Lead singer of Van Halen; guest-starred on “The Sopranos.”
Dad-like qualities: The goofy smile, the hat, the ill-fitting button up–DLH looks ready to drop you off at your first day of kindergarten.
Angus Young and Ozzy Osbourne
Heavy-metal cred: Guitarist for AC/DC, lead singer for Black Sabbath
Dad-like qualities: With his receding hairline and light jeans, Angus looks straight out of central dad casting, but standing next to the painfully goofy Ozzman, with his even lighter jeans and terrible midriff slip, the Aussie looks like the Fonz.
Heavy-metal cred: Lead singer of Queensrÿche; owner of a four-octave vocal range
Dad-like qualities: You know what’s more dadish that giving a thumbs-up while sporting gray sideburns? Being a wine enthusiast. Geoff Tate is 2 for 2.
Heavy-metal cred: Lead singer of Alice Cooper; used to beat up Santa Claus onstage
Dad-like qualities: First, there’s the golf club. Then there’s the potbelly. But the most dad-like quality of all is that sweater with matching shirt. At least he’s still wearing eyeliner–we think.
Eddie Van Halen
Heavy-metal cred: Guitarist for Van Halen; pissed on a deli tray
Dad-like qualities: Context is important here; without it, you may think that Eddie is auditioning for *NSYNC. But no, this photo shows EVH in 2007, at 42 years old, clearly going through a midlife crisis, which is as much a dad tradition as piggyback rides.
Heavy-metal cred: Drummer for KISS; invented the Catman
Dad-like qualities: Badass drummer though he may be, Criss’ hair dye and light jeans make him look like the quintessential dad. Or an old lesbian. You make the call.
Heavy-metal cred: Drummer for Metallica; saw Deep Purple live at 9 years old
Dad-like qualities: When dads aren’t wearing suit suits, they’re wearing sweat suits and asking you to make them sandwiches. Lars really wants a sandwich.
And one who looks like your mom: Steven Tyler
Heavy-metal cred: Lead singer for Aerosmith; took so many drugs with Joe Perry that they were called the Toxic Twins
Mom-like qualities: The hair, the shirt, the necklaces, the lips–all Steven Tyler needs is a pair of boobs and he’d look just like every other mom who spends her Saturdays at the Pottery Barn outlet.