Open Letter To Dan Aykroyd: Give Up ‘Ghostbusters 3′

Dear Mr. Dan Aykroyd,

First off, just wanted to say that we’re big fans here at Clutch. We regularly serve your not-at-all-creepy Crystal Head Vodka at parties and have even been known to sit through “Nothing But Trouble” when it comes on TBS at 3 a.m. So we say this with respect, Mr. Aykroyd: For the love of Gozer, please stop talking about the third “Ghostbusters” movie. It’s time to move on.

For a while now, you, Harold Ramis, Ivan Reitman and even Sigourney Weaver have been threatening us with a third “Ghostbusters” installment. There’s even a script, reportedly penned by two writers from “The Office.” Now you’re saying that “Ghostbusters 3″ will start shooting next spring, with or without longtime holdout Bill Murray. We beg you to put a stop to this madness. A “Ghostbusters” movie without Murray would create a disaster of biblical proportions. Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky; the dead rising from the graves. Dogs and cats living together in blissful domestic harmony. You get the idea. Doing
“Ghostbusters 3″ without Bill Murray would be like making another “Blues Brothers” movie and replacing John Belushi with, say, John Goodman and a mouthy kid or something. And we know you’d never do something like that.

Here’s why a third Ghostbusters movie is a terrible idea.

Bill Murray is never going to do it

From claiming he’s never seen a script to insisting that he’ll only do the movie if his character is literally a ghost, Murray has made it abundantly clear that he has little to no interest in donning a proton pack for a third time. Yes, Murray is mercurial with his career decisions to say the least (he doesn’t have an agent or a manager, and basically works his films around his golf schedule), but his resistance is also a sign that making another movie would be extraordinarily bad. Like crossing the streams bad.

Ivan Reitman doesn’t have the best track record

Though he was once one of Hollywood’s most reliable comedy directors, Ivan Reitman has lost his touch as of late. His last film? “No Strings Attached.” Yes, in a year with two movies about “f*** buddies,” he made the worst one. Prior to unleashing the tagline “Can sex friends be best friends?” on the world, Reitman was the go-to guy for bloated star-driven comedies like “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” and “Six Days, Seven Nights.” In fact, you have to go all way back to 1993’s “Dave” to find a Reitman film that is even vaguely watchable. Plus, “Junior” pretty much killed whatever comedic cred the guy once had.

We don’t want to be reminded of how old everyone is

Dan, did you see “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”? (Yes, like your vodka.) The site of a geriatric Harrison Ford still trying to be an action hero was pretty sad. It was funny when Winston Zeddemore had to climb several flights of stairs in the first movie. Now, we’d worry he would keel over. Yet, you seem determined to turn “Ghostbusters 3″ into “Grumpy Old Paranormal Investigators.” As you said on the “Dennis Miller Radio Show,” “My character, Ray, is now blind in one eye and can’t drive the Cadillac…he’s got a bad knee and can’t carry the packs. Egon is too large to get into the harness. We need young blood.” Sigh. If you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go open a vein in a bathtub filled with Ecto-Cooler.

“Ghostbusters II” was a mixed bag

To be clear, we like “Ghostbusters II” despite the fact that it basically rehashes the first movie’s plot along with Bobby Brown songs. But overall, fans were disappointed. So why sully the franchise further? It’s a proven fact that third installments of blockbuster franchises are terrible. “X-Men: The Last Stand.” “The Godfather Part 3.” Sure, the occasional “Toy Story 3″ slips through the cracks. But most of the time, you end up with “Ernest Goes to Jail.”

“Ghostbusters 3″ already happened–and it was a video game

Finally, Mr. Aykroyd, you already had a “Ghostbusters” reunion.  2009’s “Ghostbusters: The Video Game” featured a script by you and Harold Ramis, and voice acting by the original cast. (They even brought back Walter Peck!) It was the original gang just as we remembered them, with no new crop of annoying young Ghostbusters to harsh our nostalgia buzz. (No one wants to see Taylor Lautner battling Slimer.) The game hit all the right notes. So maybe its time to pack up your Tobin’s spirit guide and move on to other projects, Dan. Like, say, “Nothing But Trouble II” or “Trading Places II”–just write a fat suit into the script and Eddie Murphy will do it.

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