The birthdays of Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Clinton, two of the greatest womanizers in American history, are only two days apart: Aug. 19 and 21. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, two of the greatest presidents in American history, have birthdays 10 days apart. We celebrate it as President’s Day, the third Monday of every February. There should be a similar observance for the achievements of Chamberlain and Clinton, two great men who embraced their testosterone and pushed the limits of mankind’s virility. Yes, Congress impeached Clinton for a BJ and “In Living Color” mocked Chamberlain’s claim of being with 20,000 women. However, behind every great man is a great mistake. We need a national holiday of forgiveness, sex and unabashed machismo celebration to replenish our confidence as men. It shall be called Philanderer’s Day (not to be confused with “Whacking Day“) and be observed on the fourth Monday of each August in the following manner.
“Thieves Should Be Hanged”
This will be the common greeting on Philanderer’s Day, much like “Merry Christmas” in December. The term is from Wilt Chamberlain’s only memorable line in “Conan the Destroyer.” The Big Dipper and Arnold Schwarzenegger being in the same movie is for philanderers what LeBron James and Dwyane Wade being on the same team is for Miami Heat fans.
Airing of Penises
Our crotches are like shy vampires. They never go outside in the daytime and rarely at night. Once a year, guys should be legally allowed to let our reproductive organs breath fresh air and soak up some vitamin D. Women would be welcome to do the same. Ladies aren’t excluded but embraced by Philanderer’s Day celebrations.
Calling Out Punks
Chamberlain may have been a finesse player but also wasn’t above beating some ass when necessary. Clinton rarely backed down from his enemies as well. Since we need to let our macho flow freely on this day, we must also challenge our rivals in physical prowess. If someone at work has been pissing you off, Philanderer’s Day gives you a free pass to challenge him to a fight, foot race, game of HORSE–whatever you think will best shut him down.
You can deny it, but every man loves fast food. Bill Clinton really loves it and often sent interns out to get him McDonald’s on the sly. Since most of us now worry about health and nutrition all year long, you chow on fast food for Philanderer’s Day dinner.
Holiday Booty Bonus
The hardest thing about serious relationships for men is wrapping their heads around not having sex with another woman for years or ever again. The concept alone drives some men to cheat. However, if guys could sleep with one new lady each Philanderer’s Day without repercussions, cheating would take a nosedive. They’d be completely faithful the rest of the year. The flip side is guys have to be cool with their lady taking advantage of the same rule, if they so choose.
Suits and Stilts Parties
Chamberlain earned the nickname “Wilt the Stilt” in high school because he towered over everyone else. It’s since taken on a whole new meaning. Clinton is one of the snappiest presidential dressers with his expensive suits. The ego boost of being taller (or taller) than someone else or wearing a new suit is something every man should get at least once a year. At these Philanderer’s Day parties, attendees wear tailored suits, walk on stilts and are served food and drinks by stilt-less waiters, allowing party-goers to literally look down upon them and feel superior.