After decades of living sex, drugs and heavy metal, is there anything AC/DC can do that doesn’t seem “metal”? Apparently, the answer is yes, because the filthiest band of the ’70s is now launching a wine collection. Care for a glass of “Back in Black” Shiraz, “Highway to Hell” Cabarnet Sauvignon or “You Shook Me All Night Long” Moscato? No, thank you.
Listen, when Sammy Hagar started selling Cabo Wabo tequila, it at least seemed appropriate. Even The Situation‘s foray into booze-peddling–a low-calorie vodka!–is less WTF than “Hells Bells” Sauvignon Blanc. AC/DC’s website points out that KISS, Motorhead, Whitesnake and Warrant have all released wine collections. Is that an apology? Because if all those bands were jumping off a cliff…. Anyway, this news inspired us to find the other most non-metal things that metal guys have done. Here they are.
License A Platinum Visa Card
KISS sold out so long ago and so magnificently that they’ve almost come back around and seem metal again for being so blatant about it. It’s like, “Screw it. Use our image on everything. We’ll happily steal your money. We’re metal!” However, of all their 2,000-plus products, the KISS Platinum VISA card seems the least metal. When did having good credit become dangerous?
Become “The Man”
The very core of rock music is fighting against “The Man.” It’s about flipping off your boss, ignoring your parents and skipping school. So when Lars Ulrich of Metallica, the most successful metal band ever, filed a lawsuit against Napster for copyright infringement, he essentially became a lawyer, a cop, a principal, a suit. He became “The Man” and harshed everyone’s metal buzz.
Get Pounded By Your Opening Act
Glenn Danzig has been one of the most intimidating guys in rock for more than two decades. His lyrics are demonic, he has the build of a heavyweight MMA fighter and threatens to beat up interviewers who ask about his former band The Misfits. That being said, the lead singer of Arizona band North Side Kings knocked Danzig out with one punch in 2004. In the video, you can see Danzig starts the fight. You can also see his hair is really thinning.
Write Bad Poetry
Henry Rollins does a lot of things that don’t really seem metal. He’s an actor, book publisher, spoken-word performer, talk show host and writer. We forgive him all those because he puts his own punk touch on each of those and he’s good at them. Unfortunately, we cannot forgive his poetry books. His poems sound like something you’d hear being read by a goth teen at a coffee shop open mic. Luckily, he doesn’t seem to be writing it much anymore.
Star In A Family Reality Show
“The Osbournes” is one of the best reality shows of all time. It created the mold for every other celebrity-driven reality show we’ve enjoyed over the years, from “Hogan Knows Best” to “Celebrity Rehab.” That being said, Ozzy Osbourne used to be the scariest demon in music. He bit the head off a bat onstage and bit the head off a dove during a meeting with record executives. Now we just think of him as the mumbling and clueless dad from that odd family on MTV.