The Gathering of Juggalos occurred this weekend, spawning a variety of interesting reports. While we didn’t attend the events, we did follow the updates all weekend with Faygo in hand and learned a great deal about this violent and alien culture. In an effort to help our readers survive a surprise Insane Clown Posse concert or half-off Keystone Light sale, here are essential things you need to know about juggalo society. Keep these in mind along with the basics of what to do when confronted by wild animals: don’t feed, approach or try to corner it.
Commerce relies heavily on cardboard and dirty cars
That dirty car with the White Sox logo is selling “Xanax, $2.” It is unclear whether the juggalos from the bottom left photo are peddling poop or Klonopin. Either way, you should know that juggalos like to fling poop, as they did during Tila Tequila’s set last year.
Fat provides immunity from sunburn pain
Heavier human beings are more tolerant of cold temperatures, but tend to hate baking sun. Obese juggalos, on the other hand, enjoy crisping their outer skin until it’s the same color as Faygo Red Pop.
“Whoop-whoop winning” and “Hammer Time” are soothing
The likes of Tila Tequila, Method Man and Tom Green have struggled with juggalo crowds. However, Charlie Sheen and MC Hammer were embraced this year. By “embraced,” we mean they were pummeled by bottles and urine-filled balloons. If confronted by an angry juggalo mob, say, “Whoop-whoop,” then wait for them to answer: “Winning!” If that doesn’t work, bust into your best “Hammer Time” dance.
Tape and body paint replace bras and shirts
This is essential advice for women who are caught for days or weeks in juggalo territory and run out of clean clothing–since you will no doubt be sprayed by a variety of substances.
Faygo washes away shame
After surviving a juggalo experience, you will be confronted with feelings of shame, remorse, depression, rage and a confusing desire for clown sex. What you need to do is strip into lingerie (male or female) and coax friends into showering your body in Faygo. Just like tomato sauce washes away skunk spray, Faygo cleans off juggalo juice.