NFL Lockout Leaves Players With 99 Problems And Chicks Are One

NFL players aren’t exactly known for being the best lovers. Every year there’s a crop of new stories about pigskinners cheating, divorcing and/or cheating again. And this off-season, the NFL lockout seems to have fueled even more relationship drama. It makes sense. Money and work are two of the top five topics couples fight over. And with players unable to GTFO of the house to make it to official off-season practices, they have nothing to do but sit on the couch and piss off their wives…or leave their wives and piss off their mistresses.

Wife Stabs Brandon Marshall

Plenty of fantasy football players were disappointed in Miami Dolphins’ wide receiver Brandon Marshall’s season last year. Some who took him early in their drafts probably fantasized about punching him in the gut. Well, his wife, Michi Nogami-Marshall, took it a step further and buried a knife in his abs. Luckily, his six-pack is tight and he’s expected to fully recover. Marshall should return the Ginsu knife set he bought her, though.

Roy Williams Sues Girlfriend for Engagement Ring

A Dallas Cowboys receiver and a former Miss Texas start dating–what could possibly go wrong? Those are two careers that produce stable individuals. Ha, ha, just kidding. Roy Williams proposed to his girlfriend Brooke Daniels by sending her a package containing $5,000 for school and dental bills, a baseball for her brother and a $76,000 ring. Clearly the lockout is making him not think clearly. She smartly denied him, but didn’t return the ring, so he’s taking her to “Peoples’ Court.” Ha, ha, just kidding again! But really, she is taking him to regular court.

Brandon Underwood Grabs Wife’s Necklace

The Green Bay Packers young cornerback and former Cincinnati Bearcats star, Brandon Underwood, was arrested hours after the team received their Super Bowl rings on June 16. The police accused him of disorderly conduct against his wife after ripping a necklace from her neck. Even though she filed for divorce in May, the couple is still living together. She claims, “This has just been blown so out of proportion, it’s unbelievable.” Maybe Underwood needed a necklace to match his new ring?

Tiki Barber Hides in the Attic

Oddly enough, retired New York Giants star Tiki Barber seems the most effected by this lockout. First, he leaves his pregnant wife after 11 years of marriage for 23-year-old white chick, Traci Lynn Johnson, and takes shelter in his agent’s attic to weather the aftermath. When the lockout madness really starts taking hold, Barber announces he is returning to the NFL after a four-season “hiatus.” To combat rumors that he’s only doing it for the money to pay off his divorce settlement, he says the return is due to his depression. In fact, he was so depressed in his Jewish agent’s attic that he says, “It was like a reverse Anne Frank thing.”

Aqib Talib Complicates Sister’s Relationship

The lockout has not only affected player’s romantic relationships, but those of their families. In March 2011, Garland, Texas, police issued a warrant for Tampa Bay Buccaneers cornerback Aqib Talib, accusing him of shooting at his sister’s boyfriend. That had to have been an awkward Easter gathering: “Sorry, I almost shot your boyfriend. Can you pass the deviled eggs?”

Ben Roethlisberger Chains Inner Werewolf

Ben Roethlisberger does not have a good history with the ladies. Maybe that’s why he’s the only person who foresaw the coming relationship-related problems the lockout would bring. A month before losing Super Bowl XLV, Big Ben got engaged to his girlfriend Ashley Harlan. The situation reminds me of werewolf movies, where before a full moon the werewolf in human form asks to be locked up so as not to kill people that night. Roethlisberger knew the lockout would bring his horny werewolf out and locked himself up with a ring.

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