Ask Boobs Radley: Will A New Girlfriend Help Me Get Over My Ex?

Everyone on Twitter considers themselves an expert of one type or another. We figured a woman who grew up with the nickname @BoobsRadley must have plenty of experience discussing issues of love and sex. (Plus, the Huffington Post called her one of the funniest women on Twitter.) Read on to find out how to send your questions to her.

Q: I just got dumped by a girl after only a few dates. I really liked her, but she (very perceptively) guessed that I still am not over my ex. My friends all agree that I should be “out there” and dating, but is it fair to start something with somebody while I’m still hung up on another girl?

You know when you’re halfway through a Bloomin’ Onion and you start to panic because, oh my God, how are you going fit in the Bondi Beach Rib-Eye you ordered? I hate this! It isn’t fair to the steak. The steak has no way of knowing you’re too gorged on fried-to-perfection onion dipped in proprietary sauce to eat it, any more than this girl didn’t know you were still stuffed full of old feelings. So I’m going to disagree with your friends. I mean, it’s possible that they mean well, or that you’ve been downplaying the level to which you’re not over your ex to them. It’s also possible that they’d rather hear about your dating travails than see you cry everytime an Adele song plays in Outback Steakhouse. But I’m not of the school that dating helps you “get over” anything. If you’re not quite to the point of needing therapy to deal with your breakup (if you’re unsure about this, ask your friends–they will gladly tell you), I’d suggest trying to catharsis-out your feelings with a hobby, like muraling, P90x, or my personal favorite, loads of casual sex.

Q: I’m dating someone new and things seem to be going pretty well–great sex and witty banter. I’m only confused about one thing: We go out only once a week or so, but we idly chat online most of the day. Am I making myself too available? If we talk less online, will we magically go from one date a week to more? I don’t want to smother, but I don’t want to artificially limit contact either. Thoughts?

If ANYTHING, I find great sex and witty banter inhibited by physical proximity unbearably hot. If a guy makes me laugh online and there’s no immediate way I can take deep smells of his hair, I’m pretty much ready to helicopter to his house and rip open his shirt like a slutty med-evac. I think you’re right about not artificially limiting contact, but I’m wondering what’s making it so you’re talking online and not through a muffled mouthful of zipper. If the online talk is exciting, and you make a noise like you’ve got a bat trapped in your hair whenever you hear the G-Chat chime or a Facebook poke alert (yeah, I said it), then great. But even if you’re both busy people, talking about what you’re going to eat for lunch instead of plotting how you’re next planning to eat each other’s faces is kind of red-flaggy early on.

Q: I bet this is the first and last time you’re ever going to get this question. I genuinely don’t like receiving oral sex. Every girl I meet says I just “haven’t gotten the right bj” or something, but the truth is it’s just not my preference. How do I explain this to women without upsetting them? Furthermore, why are so many women bothered by this???

Having good sex is a lot like managing a successful laser tag arena–the people who are best at it care if everybody inside the black-light dome is having a great time. For some of us, good head is our mutant power and taking it away from us is like putting Magneto in that plastic prison cell. We feel helpless and don’t really know what we’re supposed to do. Play chess with Patrick Stewart? Give you a hando? What? You need to figure out exactly what you don’t like about it and exactly what you like about “other options,” so you can explain to a girl in a way that isn’t confusing or ego bruising. Like, “My penis hates feeling awesome, I’d much rather watch you watercolor while I gently hump your leg.”

Q: While I have some positive qualities–funny, self-deprecating, many degrees–I’m a bit of a schlub. I work at [a chain restaurant] and I’m probably going to start balding soon without medical intervention. The problem: I had the misfortune to date a beautiful woman for the first time in my life. Of course, she broke my heart. I’ve never been hung up on looks before, but now that I know I actually CAN get a hot girl, I am reluctant to go back to my own league. What to do?

I’d love to tell you “what to do,” but MTV, like your restaurant, is a family place. But! You asked for advice in ostensible earnest, so I’m going to give you some. The mistake you’re making is to view men as “people” and divide women into “people” and “Hot Girls.” Hot Girls are actually people and not Nobel Prizes or Foursquare “I’m on a Boat” badges you get because you’ve accomplished something monumental. I’m sorry that you’ve been brainwashed by Jim Belushi shows to think that every guy “deserves” a gorgeous, tolerant woman to love and routinely sleep with. All women have ever been taught by television is that we deserve diet soup, so we can stand in front of a shop mirror with our hands on our hips while the salesgirl goes, “Wow! You look great! Is it all the DIET SOUP?” So I guess my advice is: Watch out, one of the possible side effects of Propecia is nipple discharge.

Do you have a relationship question for Boobs Radley? Tweet it @MTVClutch or @BoobsRadley or send her an email.

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