Everyone on Twitter considers themselves an expert of one type or another. We figured a woman who grew up with the nickname @BoobsRadley must have plenty of experience discussing issues of love and sex. (Plus, the Huffington Post called her one of the funniest women on Twitter.) Read on to find out how to send your questions to her.)
Q: The first time I went out with this one girl I’m seeing, we got pretty hammered. Internet date, we were nervous, etc. It happens. But we’ve gone on five or six dates since, and–while she doesn’t get drunk on daytime outings to movies or the park–she gets to the point of slurring whenever we go for drinks. I’m not totally sober obviously, but how many is too many on a date?
Not drunk in the park? What is she, running some kind of Ladies’ Christian Temperance Society? Listen, I may LOOK like one of the sexy doctors on “Grey’s Anatomy,” but I’m not actually medically qualified to diagnose alcoholism. Additionally, I’m single and I live in New York so I really have no barometer for what’s an unacceptable level of drunk beyond “clutching your lapels while blubbering about my dad” or “smashing a barstool on the karaoke jockey’s head because the binder doesn’t have Lionel Richie‘s ‘Hello.'” What I do think is that you shouldn’t be with somebody whose consumption level makes you uneasy. I’m guessing she doesn’t want to be secretly judged by you any more than you want to worry that you’re being sucked in to some sort of mutually toxic, park-drinking nightmare life. Figure out if you’re OK with dating a girl who’s a bit of a sauce clown, and then act accordingly.
Q: My friends love my girlfriend. She likes video games and is sometimes more of a bro than I am. Great! But I work nights, and lately she’s hung out with them without me, and it’s making me uncomfortable. Not that they’d do anything inappropriate–I just think I should get to have some things in my life to myself. Is that selfish?
Part of me wants to tell you how thrilled you should be that your friends have absorbed your girlfriend like an amoeba. Another part of me wonders what I would do if I tried to vent about my significant other to my friends, only to have them say, “Whoa, that’s the admin of our ‘Chinchillas Who Look Like Justin Bieber‘ Tumblr you’re talking about there!” Besides, not to be the prophet of doom here, but most relationships end in bilateral despair anyway. Typically, I’m with Biggie on this: Tell your friends to get with my friends, so that we may be friends. But I make sure they know that when the relationship inevitably implodes they are expected to be full-on Team Smolinski.
Q: I’m dealing with a massive age difference. Massive. Like, 20 years. She’s legal, of course, but just barely. Can this work?
Of course! We know by now that couples with age disparities can make it. Take Erika Eiffel, a self-described “object-sexual” who “married” the Eiffel Tower in 2007. Erika is 38, and the Eiffel Tower is 122! I know, right? But I bet they have all kinds of stuff to talk about. I bet they spend Saturdays seeing documentaries, doing crosswords and having long, thoughtful talks over crudo at cozy tapas bars. I bet occasionally the Eiffel Tower probably startles Erika by worrying aloud if she will leave him, maybe while they’re doing something mundane and couple-y like brushing their teeth together. I bet this is when she folds him into her human flesh embrace, saying, “I wouldn’t care if you were a thousand, I just want to be with you,” and they make love for hours, right there on the bathroom tile. Sure, I bet the other antique monuments probably get kind of judgey, and I bet her family is worried about whether she’s wasting her fertile years on a partner of little reproductive capacity. For our parts, all of us are kind of like, “What?” Well, shut up, world! The heart wants what it wants.
Q: My ex-girlfriend and I were together for seven years. Seven years. Our split was tough and long and painful, and involved lots of breakup sex and crying. She told me she was destroyed by this. So tell me, how is it possible that two weeks after she moves out, I hear she’s dating somebody????
Why did Death spend all that time creating elaborate murder scenarios for the “Final Destination” teens when he could have just texted them while they were driving? What am I supposed to do with all of these hemp toe rings, now that hemp toe rings are uncool? Do frogs ever get sad? I don’t know, friend. These are questions that don’t have answers and only end up hurting you when you obsess about them. I hate to say it, but your girlfriend’s love life is no longer your dominion, and the Salvation Army insists they don’t want want a shoe box full of absorbent jewelry I’ve worn on my feet. God’s work, my ass.