Professional baseball players and MMA fighters both get to choose their entrance songs. And for the music lovers among them, that is probably one of the best parts of the job–after the swimming pools full of cash, cars, endorsement deals and naked ladies. These guys get to build their legacy to the soundtrack of one incredible crowd-pumping tune. And while that sounds like it’s a lot of pressure, the choice should be relatively simple: Just choose an upbeat song that invigorates you, a song that you’d lift weights to or that would play before an action movie’s pivotal scene.
But these six athletes can’t even get that right.
1. “Hawai’i ’78″ by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
Picked by: UFC fighter B.J. Penn
We understand that B.J. Penn is from Hawaii, where Israel Kamakawiwo’ole is a demigod, and Penn wants to represent that. That’s totally fine. However, there have to be some faster-paced Hawaiian songs that are not about crying for your homeland after it was taken away by the white man. Also, a ukulele should never be incorporated into any entrance theme, unless it’s being smashed.
2. “Stop the Party” by Busta Rhymes
Picked by: New York Yankees’ Derek Jeter
Derek Jeter has experimented with a number of great hip-hop tracks as his at-bat music throughout his career. His current Busta Rhymes pick rocks, pumps up the crowd and features Swizz Beats and Ghostface Killah for street cred. But if you listen to the lyrics, the track is about busting up an enemy’s party and threatening to kill them. Let’s keep the killing to its metaphoric sense, on the diamond only, please.
3.”Rusty Cage” by Johnny Cash
Picked by: MMA fighter Jon Fitch
Jon Fitch is an All-American boy, like Johnny Cash, so the connection makes sense. Cash’s voice tends to be more mournful than adrenaline inducing, but the legend does have some songs that would make for good entrance music for a fighter. This is not one of them. The Soundgarden cover’s refrain goes, “I’m gonna break my rusty cage and run.” So you see, Fitch isn’t going to break into the cage and fight. He’s going to break out and run like a coward.
4. “Stayin Alive” by The Bee Gees
Picked by: San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff
Let’s forget for a moment that Aubrey Huff is a 6-foot-4, 225 pound power hitter who bats in the three-hole for the World Champion Giants. Dude should be walking up to heavy metal. The Bee Gees “Stayin Alive” is about a “dancin’ man” in New York. Huff is in San Fran, and we’ve never seen his twinkle toes. Plus, it’s disco, which is completely inappropriate for baseball since the 1979 Disco Demolition Night riots.
5. “In The Air Tonight ” by Phil Collins
Picked by: Philadelphia Phillies’ Carlos Ruiz
Panama-born Carlos Ruiz, nicknamed Chooch, should walk up to something Latin and fun. Instead, he enters to a Phil Collins slow jam about a man watching another man drown. Seriously, that’s what the song is about. Apparently, it’s an allegory for Collins’ failing marriage at the time. WHICH IS THE OPPOSITE OF WINNING.
6. “The Stroke” by Billy Squier
Picked by: St. Louis Cardinals Skip Schumaker
Billy Squier claims this song is about the music industry and Skip Schumaker probably says the pick represents the stroke of his bat, but can we all stop being so coy about it? The song is about masturbation! That’s why it’s fun and that’s why we like it: “Keep on–stroke me, stroke me/Give me the business all night long…”