Everyone on Twitter considers themselves an expert of one type or another. We figured a woman who grew up with the nickname @BoobsRadley must have plenty of experience discussing issues of love and sex. (Plus, the Huffington Post called her one of the funniest women on Twitter.) Read on to find out how to send your questions to her.)
Q: I’ve never been in love, which is one problem, but I also haven’t really ever had great sex. My friends think this is because I’ve never really connected with anybody. I do want to meet somebody I love, but I feel like I’m going to wait forever. In the end, how important is love to really good sex?
It’s funny you should ask this! I was at a dinner party recently where a similar question was posed: Can you have sex with somebody you don’t like, or even actively dislike? Most of the guests were coupled off, and I don’t know if that had anything to do with their going on and on about how much better sex is when you’re in love with the person. Then, my friend piped up, “Bullshit! The best sex I ever had was in high school, with a feather bed with a hole in it while I watched ‘Blue Velvet.'” He’d had a few. It was so awesome. Those married people were so grossed out, with their stupid happy relationships and eye-contact sex with human beings. Anyhow, I guess what I’m trying to tell you is, go to more dinner parties where you can meet awesome people like my friend, as I am now just a little in love with him.
Q: I got married at 20–a good Christian from the Midwest to another good Christian from the Midwest. Both virgins, love’s young dream, blah blah blah. GUESS WHAT? It didn’t work out! We divorced last fall and I am now 27 and totally thrown by this whole new world of dating/sex/etc. I did the abstinence before marriage thing, so I’m not sure when in a new relationship you’re supposed to have sex in the real world. Is there a rule book for this?
Well, on the third date, you have to put out, but ONLY if the guy buys an appetizer. And look out, because those BBQ Baked Lays that come with a Subway combo? They technically count. It’s like, “Finish your Italian BMT and take your pants off already.”
Look, I think it’s great that you’re beginning your new sex life at an age where you’re old enough-ish to know better, since a lot of us were negotiating these waters in much less friendly times. (Like when guys wore wallet chains. WALLET CHAINS!). So first, the good news: Sex is very intuitive and you can usually tell when somebody wants to have sex with you, because they flip their hair or touch your knee or talk in husky tones or send you cell phone pictures of their body parts. The only “right time” is when two people (or three! Why not? You’re divorced. Go nuts!) are both ready and on board. The bad news is: Sometimes you’re not on the same timetable. You may want to have sex and your date might want to get home in time for “So You Think You Can Dance.” This is why it’s important to take cues and be honest–you’d be shocked how far bein’ real gets you when you’re nice and respectful. Oh, and use condoms! People are gross.
Q: My new girlfriend is um, adventurous, which is great. But a lot of the stuff she tries in bed is actually kind of weird. Not in a sexy way, more like she’s trying too hard. I don’t need sex to involve strawberries and ice cubes. How do I tell her nicely that this isn’t kinky, it’s just silly and awkward?
It sounds like your girlfriend reads a lot of “women’s publications.” I have worked for women’s publications. We make up those sex tips so that people who read sex tips are terrible at sex, and those of us who read William Gibson novels are astounding at it. So your girlfriend is treating your body like a depraved salad bar? That’s hilarious to me, but I guess not ideal for you. Girls who rely heavily on props are probably not super confident with their given skills (I’m just assuming, because I’ve seen Carrot Top perform), so be gentle. I would try some basic reward theory here and just praise her garden-variety instances of doin’ it. “Hey, that thing you did with the crispy Chinese noodles and VapoRub was nice, but I really loved that time you gave me that sexy oral sex.” If you have to, use women’s publication speak: “You really blew this dude’s mind with that one!” And if that doesn’t work, don’t worry. Print is dying. Soon, there will be no more magazines.
Q: I had a female friend tell me that my icebreakers were cheesy. How are you supposed to approach a girl in a bar without an opening line?
Ha. I love your female friend. First, I would say: Don’t have an opening line. Despite what you may have gleaned from pickup guides, it’s better to be observant than to be “prepared.” Don’t ask a girl something that sounds like it came from a board game for married couples who don’t drink or swing. When a guy at a bar says something like, “Hey, girl. Would you rather be deaf or blind?” I don’t feel like we’re starting a conversation! I feel I’m in that episode of “The Adventures of Pete & Pete” where Big Pete brings “topical” index cards on a road trip because he and his dad have nothing to talk about. If you MUST, find an environment-based opener (“This jukebox has all the Spin Doctors rarities!”) at a time when you have a reason to be in her immediate radius (as in, you are by the jukebox when you say this), then look for obvious signs of interest or disinterest. If a girl is interested, a spazzy question won’t make or break you. Mormon road trip games never got anybody get laid.