With Father’s Day rapidly approaching, the media has become flooded with heartwarming stories about incredible hero dads. This is definitely not that. Because life isn’t fair and not everyone ends up with half the genetic code of a fireman-astronaut-Cliff Huxtable. But no matter how hard they may suck as positive role models, by virtue of being dads they can still impart useful knowledge to their kin.
We’ve found six examples of profound words of wisdom straight from the worst fathers in movie history. Get learned after the jump.
1: “One man doesn’t prospect from the ground; it takes a whole community of good people.”
Who’s The Daddy: Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) in “There Will Be Blood”
Poor H.W. His padre reeks of alcohol and crude oil (which is not as fatherly as Old Spice), but dammit, sometimes this guy lays down very serious truths. Daniel is definitely not a “Number 1 Dad,” but he is stinking rich–which helps deaden the blow of finding out that you’re a bastard from a basket.
2: “You can want in one hand and s*** in the other, and see which one fills first.”
Who’s The Daddy: Dwight Hansen (Robert De Niro) in “This Boy’s Life”
Not only does this cloud of wisdom teach the importance of staying grounded, it’s also scientifically accurate. Sure, he may not be the nicest dad at the Scout meeting, but Mr. Hansen will shoot you straight. And if you don’t like it, he’ll “break every bone in your goddamn body!”
3: “You need structure…and discipline.”
Who’s The Daddy: Colonel Frank Fitts (Chris Cooper) in “American Beauty”
This is a pretty sound and logical approach to life coming from a man who (12-YEAR-OLD SPOILER) ends up murdering his son’s girlfriend’s father. And who can really blame him for the barracks-style household he ran? His kid was a freaking weirdo.
4: “To call the police, you push 911 then just tell ‘em to bring an ambulance, or a ‘hearst,’ if you’re gonna kill me.”
Who’s The Daddy: Doyle (Dwight Yoakam) from “Sling Blade”
Doyle has a very high tolerance for alcohol, coupled with an extreme hatred for people who are the slightest bit different from him. Even with these terrible flaws, he still demonstrates a profoundly cool head in the event of an emergency.
5: “Don’t think! You’re a f***ing idiot!”
Who’s The Daddy: Ed Wilson (Rodney Dangerfield) in “Natural Born Killers”
Most dads will tell you that the world is your oyster and that you have the ability to accomplish anything you put your mind to. Not Ed, here. He’ll save you the disappointment and get right to the point. You are not a beautiful unique snowflake. You are going to fail.
6: “You are unwise to lower your defenses”
Who’s The Daddy: Darth Vader (voice of James Earl Jones) in “Star Wars: Episode VI–Return of the Jedi”
Yes, even the Dark Lord of The Sith can spew out some pretty solid advice from time to time. It’s unwise to lower your pants in certain situations, but you should never lower your defenses. More perplexing, though, is why Daddy Darth gets such a bad rap. Had Luke turned to the Dark Side, Pops would’ve hooked him up with a sweet job at the Death Star.