Ask Boobs Radley: Do Open Relationships Work?

Everyone on Twitter considers themselves an expert of one type or another. We figured a woman who grew up with the nickname @BoobsRadley must have plenty of experience discussing issues of love and sex. (Plus, the Huffington Post called her one of the funniest women on Twitter.) Read on to find out how to send your questions to her.)

Q: I’m a freshman in college. I have a high school friend who once said I was “like a brother” to her (ouch), but since graduation we’ve been exchanging emails that have gotten increasingly numerous/flirtatious. She keeps saying she can’t wait to see me this summer, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Do girls ever just change their minds?

It was either Verdi or Steve Harvey who once opined, “La donna è mobile / Qual piuma al vento / Muta d’accento e di pensiero,” which translates roughly to WOMEN IS CRAZY. We change our minds a lot! I’ve hooked up with a guy I once referred to as “Buddhist taste in movies” (As in, “He’s got a hot body, Buddhist taste in movies…?” You know, the thinking man’s “butterface.” Trademark: Boobs Radley.) Listen, as a college freshman yourself, you know you’re in a particularly malleable phase right now, so, yeah, maybe she’s changed. Also, sometimes girls go to college and get all boink crazy. I say: Try your luck. It’s possible that you’re now like a brother she’d like to make sweet summer love to.

Q: Right now I’m kind of in a dead zone with this girl I like. We’ve been out several times. Sometimes it’s just her and myself, and other times we hang out with crowds. I always get stuck in this spot. Am I missing something? Like a code word that says “GO FOR IT, DUDE”? I really, really like her but don’t know how to get to the next level, or “level up” per se. Help!

Sometimes you wait until the mood is perfect and the time is right, and the girl is literally batting her eyelashes at you. Then you lean in to kiss her, but then oh, no! The evil Sea Witch’s eel henchmen flip over the rowboat. Fact is, friend, life is not “The Little Mermaid” and you cannot wait for a cartoon crab to shout at you to “kiss dee gehl.” Like 90 percent of everybody I know–male and female–waits for the other person to make the move, so a lot of times we get stuck at this impasse. I find renting a super sexy/and or romantic movie is kind of a magic bullet here, but only if you tell her about it in advance. This gives her the opportunity to broadcast her disinterest if she’s so inclined. (“Oh, you’re bringing over “Swimming Pool”? Cool. Do you mind if we finish “Ken Burns’ Brooklyn Bridge” first? I’m on the disc about cruelty to immigrants.” ) Also: If you’re of age, try marshalling your courage with a temperate amount of wine. Alcohol never made anybody more nervous about face-mashing.

Q: Do all women secretly want marriage and children?

Do all men secretly hope that cloning becomes a reality in their lifetime? You know, so they can have  perfectly synchronized, narcissistic gay clone sex? The answer is, yes and no. I mean, some probably secretly do in both cases. For all of my talk about being uncomfortable around babies, I’m sure there will come a time when Dominic Monaghan turns to me and is like, “We have so much love to give, don’t you want to see what our half-human, half-Hobbit babies would look like?” And there are some of us who don’t really have any burning desire to get married OR have babies. Women are all different, like snowflakes who want to be made pregnant with your genetic material so we can take all of your money and spend it on frosted brownies and floppy hats.

Q: I am the KING of getting DUMPED AFTER SEX. I go out with women, we have a great time and they dump me like right after we sleep together. Since most of them are smart, nice, feminist, etc., I highly doubt it’s because they don’t respect me after. I’m starting to think–nay, fear–that my sex is wack. How can I figure this out and improve???

Whoa, there, capital-letters KING! Have you tried doing something kinky during sex, like shouting out that you are “the KING of getting DUMPED AFTER SEX!”? Sorry, sorry. I got distracted. I am a jerk and I apologize. Oh, King, my friend: Who hasn’t had this thought? It’s why we sometimes ask a friend to smell our breath before a job interview, because we ourselves cannot smell it. This is admittedly complicated by the fact you can’t really ask your friends to smell your bedroom skills. So? It’s best to ask one of these girls. If they’re actually smart, nice feminists, they might give you a pointer or two. It’s 2011, I don’t think it would be at all unheard of for you to Facebook a lady you’ve hooked up with, preface it with the “Can I bring up something slightly delicate?” and then ask her if sex with you is maybe like being on an uncomfortable rope swing that sweats and makes creepy baby animal noises. If you aren’t on good terms with any of them, then maybe that’s something to examine.

Q: Is an “open relationship” ever a good idea? My lady and I have been together for five or six years and we recently floated it to one another, but we’ve never actually heard of anybody making it work. Thoughts?

Oh god. It really depends on you and your “lady,” my liege. (You guys are very medieval this week.) I’ve been in relationships where I would have been shattered had “other people” come up, but I’ve also been in ones where I gladly gave my boyfriend carte blanche to be Blanche Deveraux. But be careful: When my old boyfriend and I were separated for a summer, I told him that I’d be cool with us sleeping with other people while I was gone. I proceeded to pursue a hot guy who turned out to be one of the best gay friends I’ll ever be horrified that I macked on. My ex proceeded to enjoy a torrid summer romance with a hot girl who threw a lawn chair at him when I came back into town. I suggest you rent “The Freebie” (it’s on Netflix instant). Yes, OK, it’s a mumblecore film, but it’s a pretty accurate representation of a couple opening their relationship and the potential consequences. Oh, and there are some like, beautiful dinner party scenes of white people eating, if you’re into those.

Do you have a relationship question for Boobs Radley? Tweet it @MTVClutch or @BoobsRadley or send her an email.

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